merging words.

My daughter goes crazy for any book by Sandra Boynton.  I'm quite a fan too, since they are cute, fun to read, and super short.  Those nights when I am tired of reading yet she's still begging for "just one more book" I always know I can bang out Snuggle Puppy in about a minute and ten seconds for the mommy win.  I can recite Snuggle Puppy from memory...holding the actual book is more of a prop at this point.  Another Sandra Boynton favorite in our house is "Opposites". 

Opposites is a sweet little book of child friendly binary terms.  Each page contains an illustration and a few well-chosen words to describe opposing sides of a given concept.  Think:

Hot and Cold

Young and Old

Wet and Dry

Low and High

There are cute hippos in winter jackets and bunnies in swim trunks and sunglasses illustrating the differences in size, time of day, age, weather, distance, etc.  Learning about opposites is, of course, important for kids.  For a child to understand what makes two concepts different, they first need to understand the meaning of both words.  You can't imagine hot if you don't understand cold.  You can't imagine young if you don't understand old, etc.  

After my daughter and I finish reading the book we'll play the opposite game for a minute or two.  I'll think up a word and she has to guess what the opposite of it would be.  Guessing correctly makes her feel accomplished and confident.  It's all very cut and dry.  Something is either one or the other and there's nothing in between...which is perfectly reasonable.  To a five year old. 

As a thirty eight year old however, I find myself thinking less and less in terms of opposites.  I don't see much in life as being two parallel sides of a street that goes on forever without merging.  I believe there is a little bit of something in everything else.  I have seen good come from bad, love come from hate...and don't even get me started on right and wrong.  

I recently held a workshop at my company to promote LGBTQ awareness and inclusion in the workplace.  Words like "binary" and "spectrum" were used generously in the training materials.  In fact, all four quadrants of gender and sexuality contain their own unique spectrum (I wasn't 100% clear on this two months ago myself, so in case you're curious they are):

1. Gender Identity 
2. Gender Assignment 
3. Gender Expression 
4. Sexual Orientation

The more I learn about each of these four quadrants, the easier it is for me to embrace the generally fluid nature of gender and sexuality.  Taking the time to explore the place where seemingly opposite concepts overlap can be complicated or even uncomfortable at times...and it might take some effort.  But taking the time to do that work is the path to full acceptance without hesitation or fear.

I believe the truth about almost everything lies somewhere in that middle space. 

The place where words begin to merge.

When words merge in my mind they start to look a little different.  

Suddenly gay and straight become STGRAIGYHT.  (Really?  You find that tough to pronounce?  Just humor me for a minute here.)

Good and bad become GBOAOD. 

Love and hate become LHOAVTE.

Right and wrong become RWIRGOHNTG.  

I know you can't pronounce these non-words silly.  Neither can anyone. That's not what matters...what matters is that we can feel them.  

When we see crazy amounts of love and compassion come pouring out of a tragedy like the mass shooting in Orlando it's nearly impossible to mentally draw a line down the middle of the situation...to assign it just one word.  So much beauty coming from such an ugly event.  Strangers sacrificing their own lives to save the life of someone else inside that club.  The calls for action in the form of new legislation and the general acceptance that everyone should be free to love who they choose without fear of consequence.  All stemming from an act of intolerance and rage. 

Acceptance and compassion don't just apply to religion, sexual orientation, skin color, ethnic background or gender.  They are woven into every human interaction we have with every person we touch throughout our day.  It's the willingness to embrace the way other people choose to run their show.

It's the willingness to do the work and learn.  

It's pausing to understand fully rather than judging so easily.  

It's being open to the idea of merging words.

"I'm not really a big fan of tolerance.  

I'd much rather love everyone wildly."

- Brian Andreas

Permission Granted.

At the suggestion of a colleague and friend I picked up Elizabeth Gilbert's (woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love) book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.  I agreed with Elizabeth's thoughts so fiercely I actually found myself saying "Yes.  Yes.  Yes!" out loud to absolutely no one in my car as I listened to the audio book on my commute.  The girl crush was almost immediate.  I have a tendency to give an overly detailed Cliffs Notes version of books, but not today and this post will be no exception.  I can't help myself.  This book is, as the title would lead you to believe...magic.

Elizabeth discusses the various aspects of how to live an intensely creative life.  She argues that every one of us is inherently creative, so much so that calling someone a 'creative person' is actually redundant.  After all, we human beings were creating art before we mastered agriculture (like way before), which says we found creating useless but beautiful objects more important than feeding ourselves since the very dawn of man.

We were making this back when our food was just as likely to eat us as we were to eat it.

This idea of making stuff, any stuff, and how the making of that stuff contributes to our lives, our health, and (at risk of sounding dramatic) our world is really incredible when you think about it.  Creating anything - a beautiful meal, a painting, a piece of furniture, a piece of music, or a new vaccine benefits the creator just as much as the audience.  It feels good for a bunch of reasons.  It feels good because:

• Creating this thing is what our soul is calling us to do.
• We enjoy the process.
• We will ultimately have something to give, to share.
• We are bringing an idea to life.

But here's something I had never considered...

It feels good because we don't need to ask permission.  

If you want to create something you can just go ahead and create it.  You don't have to ask anyone if it is okay with them.  You don't have to fill out a form.  We can decide to create something and start right away.

No permission required.    

It had never occurred to me that this is one of the main reasons I enjoy creating just about anything so much.  It's why I like to cook, to garden, to write, to make useless signs on old pieces of salvaged barn boards.  No one is going to tell me that I can't take an old piece of wood and paint words on it.  I can.  And I can do it right this very minute if I please.  

It's why I like the work I do for my little town on the Garden and Beautification Committee.  Want to plant some flowers for spring?  Go right ahead, nobody else wants to!  Want to put checkered ribbon on the wreaths this year instead of the plain red ribbon we used last Christmas?  Knock yourself out!  

...and I don't have to ask a single person if it's okay. 

Maybe a different example.  If I want to pay a professional to paint my kitchen I might want to cross check that decision with my husband and our bank account.  HOWEVER, if I decide on say a Saturday night when my husband is out of town to paint our entire kitchen chartreuse while drinking a bottle of wine...well, I did can do just that.  I don't even need to ask anyone if they think the color is okay...which it absolutely wasn't.  Three different times.

This was the color I chose.  When I say it was bad I mean it was bad.

The point here isn't my uncanny knack for picking shades of green that resemble an indoor rain forest.  The point is that life full of rules and reasons to ask permission.  This life insists we stand in line, fill out all the paperwork, read the directions on the sign, follow the instructions carefully and make sure the postage is correct.  But then we have this whole other life available to us, a life that asks absolutely nothing but to come alive.  Our ideas, our creativity belong to us and only us and no one can tell us how they should look or how it should be done.    

The things we create are the way we decorate our life, they are the color on our canvas and the beauty we bring to our existence.  The stuff we make (whether you can touch it or not) is evidence of our time here, and we owe it to ourselves and to each other to bring it forth.  Because these ideas and creations are ultimately the gifts we have to give, and maybe we can decorate someone else's life...without even knowing it.

And besides, creating is fun.  It's exciting and unpredictable and downright exhilarating at times.  But best of all?  You don't need permission.

So go on and decorate your life with something beautiful friends.

xo - juli

The Long Way Home.

Did you ever notice the best experiences are often the ones we didn’t see coming?  The best parties are those that didn't start out with a paper invitation in the mailbox.  The best family times aren’t the ones we spend thousands of dollars and months of our lives planning.

The best days of the warm weather months always seem to roll that way too, don’t they?  Those perfect days when one thing leads to another and another and before we know it, we’ve totally abandoned any agenda we might have had.  Those days when things just flow and we’re more than happy to let the to-do list go completely out the window (Market Basket will still be there tomorrow).  

I consider the day a success if by the time my head hits the pillow I am able to reflect back on three or more of the following:

• Spending more time outside than inside
• Cheering for my son’s perfect cannonball off the diving board
• Picking a wildflower and putting it in my hair
• Eating a PB&J
• Swimming in a river
• Wrapping my wet and shivering daughter up in a beach towel and hugging her close
• Drinking five Corona Lights (no, not all at once.  don't judge.)
• Laughing with friends
• Raising my face up to the sun “like a turtle” - as my mother always likes to say
• Having an unplanned adventure

The last point is kind of the secret ingredient to those killer experiences, isn’t it?  The high degree of fun we find in those precious days is usually the result of spontaneity…and getting a little lost.  Not in the literal sense of course, but rather taking a detour from the agenda.  The times we embrace the unexpected and just go wherever the road takes us, for as long as it takes us.  Forgetting about the clock and just enjoying the long way home.

(Norah Jones covering The Long Way Home. You're welcome.)

Getting a little lost isn’t exclusive to Sunday drives.  Sometimes we get lost on our own path, in our own lives – even inside our own selves.  We might feel for a time that we have lost that white-knuckle grip we had on our master plan for a happy life.  Maybe our priorities change, our needs change, our circumstances change, the family routine changes, or we simply change our minds.

Or better yet...we have changed.  

Sometimes we need to take a little detour to support a spouse who has taken a new job, or to help a graduating high school senior prepare for college and leave the nest.  Other times the detours are bigger. We welcome a new baby, go through a divorce, buy a new home, or relocate the family for professional reasons.  These are the times that can leave us feeling as though we've taken our hands off the wheel entirely.

It’s easy (and normal) to feel the urge to right the ship and get things “back on track” as quickly as possible - back to the steady state we knew so well.  We’re eager to return to the comfortable place we believe our happiness lived before change came along.  We say things like “it was easier before the second baby” or “maybe I should have just toughed it out at (Company X).  After all, I only had sixteen years left until retirement.” 

We think these things without realizing that the detour - the adventure - might be where our new happiness lives NOW.  Yes, these changes often challenge our idea of what things "should" look like, but they can also open the door to possibilities we don't even know existed because well...we just hadn’t gotten there yet.  And much like a carefree Sunday, going with the flow of life’s changes often yields the greatest rewards and is the surest path to happy times ahead.  We have all seen... 

• The painful divorce that ultimately clears the path for new love. 
• The cross-country relocation that creates a whole new level of family connectedness.
• The layoff that ends up being the catalyst to figuring out how we actually want to earn a living. 
• The colicky infant that steals our heart and becomes the love of our life. 

Don't resist taking a few detours in the warmer days ahead friends - make them yours and take advantage of the possibilities they hold.  Listen to live music at an outdoor venue.  Go camping and read a book to your kid by the firelight.  Pick a bouquet of wildflowers and make them your "centerpiece" at the dinner table.  Go for a bike ride.  Kiss someone when they least expect it.  Host an impromptu barbecue.  Jump off a rope swing (even if you didn't pack a bathing suit).

Embrace the experiences we can only enjoy by welcoming change. 

Put your face up to the sun like a turtle and drink in the sunshine.

Take the long way home.

Happy Sunday.  xo - juli

unafraid.

A lot of shit went down in February.

I dislike labeling things as "good" or "bad", but the events I am referring to wouldn't necessarily be considered positive in a traditional sense.  I said goodbye to my Grandmother for the last time.  I blew out my ACL on Valentine's Day resulting in a reconstructive surgery scheduled for the end of March.  Work threw a couple curve balls my way.  I faced the reality that Donald Trump will likely be the Republican candidate for POTUS (No. You know what?  I'm comfortable labeling this one as "bad").

Of course, these events couldn't be any more dissimilar or unrelated.  But they all had something in common that tried to quietly weave its way through them like a single black thread through a pale pink baby blanket.

The thread is fear.

Fear is such an interesting thing isn't it?  Our fears try to tell us they are there to protect us and keep us safe, when really they are holding us back and making us vulnerable.

Despite knowing full well it's not productive I would be lying if I said I don't occasionally experience fear or worry about life's "unknowns".  

Sometimes I am afraid:

• Of my kids getting older (how many times has someone said to me "Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems!") 
• I haven't done enough meaningful work in my life.
• Of taking big risks.  
• The lines on my face are only going to multiply. 
• I've lost my creativity.
• I'm not able to be for someone else (friend, partner, family member) everything they are to me.

Yet as these less-than-ideal February events revealed themselves I started to notice so much light shining through the cracks in each experience.  One friend offered to teach me to knit (and drink wine) while I am on the sofa nursing my ACL post-surgery, while another dropped off an all-natural anti-inflammatory to help bring down the swelling in my knee.  I realized I reallllly like exercise and vowed never to take a healthy, functioning body for granted again.  Surprise bouquets appeared in my kitchen from girlfriends after my grandmother passed.  

Yet of all the unexpected surprises that came my way these past few weeks perhaps what surprised me most is how completely unafraid I am.

I made the decision to not delay my surgery.  I want to get it done as fast as possible so I can start getting stronger right away.

I remembered back to years ago when I first read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth .  

He talks about letting go of fear by separating the self from the event.  He encourages being mindful of the words we use to describe what's happening.  Rather than thinking "I can't believe this is happening to me!" instead try "this isn't happening to me, this is just what is happening".  

Removing fear from a situation is almost effortless once we start accepting and stop making it personal.

(*the bible of all spiritual self-helpie books.  Completely worth the read if you haven't already...just ask Oprah.)

I didn't plan it, but I guess you could say I kept fear at bay with what could be considered a three-pronged approach:  

1)  Find the light in the dark (focus on the positive outcomes).  
2)  Do something. Get moving on the solution.
3)  Don't let it become personal. 

I also realized these tricky little life patches have actually become my favorite times.  I love it when circumstances force me to the table a little more than usual.  When leaving my comfort zone becomes almost mandatory.  When I'm forced to dig deep, learn more and grow...these are the places where all the best stuff happens.

Spring is alllllmost here kids.  Soon the grass will be green, the bulbs will be in bloom and the windows will be open.

...and I will be on crutches for about three weeks.  But you know what?  I'm not afraid.  

romance for real life.

A co-worker of mine (who also happens to be a dear friend) and I were recently having lunch while discussing life, love and relationships...you know, generally solving the problems of the universe over a salad in the office cafe.  I was smack in the middle of what I thought was a pretty enlightened rant when she stopped me mid-thought and said "For god's sake Juli, you are such a hopeless romantic.  You romanticize absolutely everything in your life.  Music, friendships, parenting, life...name it!  I mean, really - even your politics are romantic!"  

I laughed because after nearly twenty years of knowing each other my friend has totally got my number.  I do romanticize everything.

But why I wondered?  Why do I prefer the way life looks through the tint of rose colored (and preferably heart shaped) glasses?

No seriously.  I want these.

Romance takes on many forms.  It can be words, music, actions, things you say...or even things left unsaid.  True romance isn't just a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates is it? 

(Speaking of true romance can you believe True Romance came out in 1993?!?  Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette.  Yum.)

Annnnnd since February happens to be home to Valentine's Day, I thought this might be the perfect time to do a little research on romance.  What is romance anyway?  Why are we humans so drawn to it?  Where does it come from and how can we find it?

It turns out romance is defined in many different ways.  There are literary, linguistic and musical definitions of the word...but my favorite was this:

a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life

Exactly.  It's that electricity that lives in the ether where there are no grocery lists, no pick ups and drop offs, no work stress and no talking about money.  That mystery and excitement that only be found outside our everyday lives...right? 

Well, maybe not.  Maybe there could be plenty of romance in our life just as it exists today.  Maybe it's just up to us to create it.

Esther Perel is an internationally recognized thought leader and expert on relationships and sexuality.  She is also an author (Mating in Captivity), speaker, therapist and generally amazing woman.  She did an inspired Ted Talk on how to keep desire alive in long-term relationships.

I PROMISE THIS WILL NOT BE A WASTE OF TWENTY MINUTES. 

(I absolutely love what she says about not holding a person so close or pushing them so far away that you can't see who they are anymore.)

There are so many ways to create romance.  It can be...

• The electricity we feel from someone else's touch.
• Hand written letters.
• Preparing a nice meal for someone and serving it on the "good plates".
• Poetry.
• Surprising someone at work with their favorite smoothie.
• Playing music for someone.
• Getting dressed up just because.
• Making someone laugh.
• Taking the time to kiss your partner of many years on the lips (like you mean it).
• Looking into someone's eyes and not saying a word.

One thing romance isn't?  An accident.

Everything in the list above has one thing in common.  Intention.  Romance doesn't just happen.  It doesn't magically appear after the kids are tucked in on a Friday night while you and your partner are wearing sweatpants on the couch with your iDevices in hand.  

Romance is something we have to seek out.  It's something we have to create.  And, like anything else worth having, it takes effort...but the possibilities are endless and the reward can be huge.  

My friend was right.  I suppose I do romanticize the ordinary pieces of a relatively "normal" life.  But I do it with intention and purpose.  

I do it in hopes that I will find mystery and excitement tucked into the corners of my day.  I do it because I believe there is more than one way look at life and love.  I do it because I happen to prefer the view through heart shaped glasses.

Happy Valentine's Day friends.  I hope this is your most romantic yet.  xo - juli

the deep end.

Can you remember that morning?

The morning you woke up and there were little people waiting for you to get them breakfast and a glass of juice?  Or the morning the sick person you were caring for needed their medicine which meant there wasn't enough time to wash your hair before leaving the house? Or the morning your phone blew up with work related emails before your feet even hit the floor?  The morning when you looked around for the grown-up in charge only to realize you are the grown-up in charge.  That's the morning I am talking about.

The day you woke up and realized you were swimming in the deep end of life.  

The deep end has a way of sneaking up on us doesn't it?  It's a series of seemingly benign choices.  Little decisions that eventually grow into something bigger than we ever could have dreamed.   

We stack these little bricks on top of one another slowly, one at a time until we have built something we never thought possible...we have built a whole life.


The first brick reads "Meet someone special".
The second brick reads "Get to know them".
The third brick reads "Fall in love".

...then they start to read something like this (give or take):

• Dream about a future.  
• Create a home.  
• Invest in a proper kitchen table and some sofas that actually match.
• Buy a lawnmower that costs more than $200.00  
• Love that someone enough to create new little someones.
• Find a good pediatrician.
• Volunteer to be room mom and bring a veggie platter for the first grade holiday party.

Before you even know what happened you realize you have a close personal relationship with a tax person, a financial adviser, a pest control expert, a good electrician, a reliable plumber, an awesome realtor and a water filtration specialist.  You realize that the email to sign up for the preschool parent/teacher conferences isn't intended for everyone else on the distribution list.  It is intended for you.

The deep end can feel a bit overwhelming at times can't it?  I will admit that after two straight weeks at home with my kids over the holidays this not-used-to-being-a-stay-at-home-Mama was literally yearning for the sweet silence of my office.  All of the intense adulting I had done to create a special holiday for my family had me ready to take a long winters nap.  

And three shots of whiskey.

Then, toward the end of our holiday break I took the kids swimming at our local fitness club.  My daughter had just turned five and was literally begging for me to take her into the deep end of the pool so she could show off her under water swimming skills (I have to admit the girl swims under the water a whole lot better than she does on top of it).  When I told her she was better off staying in the shallow end where she can safely touch the bottom she pleaded "But Mom!  It's fine!  The deep end is fun!  I can jump...you'll see!"

As usual, the five year old was right.  She really can jump.  And who am I to tell her she should play it safe in the kiddie pool?

Sure, the deep end might be more challenging, but it is where all the good stuff happens.  It's where the excitement, the thrills, and the freedom of life reside.  While the deep end can be dangerous, it is also where we get to take all of life's chances.  The shallow end might be safer, but how much fun can we really have if we always stay in the 3FT area with our floaties on?

It was my daughters words, combined with facing the reality of losing someone dear to me that got me thinking.  I started to consider this New Year and the possibilities it holds.  I don't typically do resolutions, but this year I am promising myself to live life every day, all day, in the deep end.  

I am resolving to ignore the voices of my daily routine when they try to convince me I should mindlessly do the same things over and over, day in and day out without ever asking why.  

I am resolving to say yes as often as I possibly can.  

I am resolving to make my own sushi on a random Tuesday night just because.  

I am resolving to take more adventures.  

I am resolving to take more chances.

These are the gifts of being an adult.  Sure, we get to manage all the tactical responsibilities that come with home, work and family.  But we also get to experience the freedom and possibility that can only come from total independence and some life experience.  

Being an adult doesn't mean we don't have any choices.  It means we have more.  It doesn't mean our path has already been determined, it means we get to determine what our path will be.

We just have to swim as hard and as fast as we can toward somewhere, or something or someone that calls us.  Because we get this one chance, this one gift, this one life.  And every second is just too damn precious to spend our time standing on the shore.

All we have to do is take a really deep breath, and jump in.

Happy New Year Friends.  xo - juli

little whispers.

I heard once that life is constantly whispering to us...and if we ignore the whispers too long they will eventually turn into screams.  I actually think I heard it on Oprah which is strange because I've never really even watched Oprah...so I'm not sure how that's possible.  Either way I loved the sentiment.  We have all heard these little whispers in different ways in our lives haven't we?  

The whispers that say the fun little habit may have crossed over into addiction.  The whispers that tell us the trying relationship has turned downright unhealthy.  The ones that say it is time to look inward and focus on our personal growth and healing when we have given too much of ourselves away.  The whispers that tell us our passion could actually become the foundation for a whole new life if we wanted to work for it.  

Lately, my life has been whispering to me so loudly it's getting hard to hear Pandora.  The past few months have been a whirlwind combination of a sick family member, more business travel than I am used to, personal obligations, and family scheduling exercises that could confuse Google Calendar.  Throw Christmas prep on top of that pile, and well, put it this way - my house is messy and I don't really care.  That's where I'm at right now.

Rather than doing what I would normally do, which is to make sure everyone in my life has what they need from me first, I am trying something completely different.  I am listening to the whispers and giving myself what I need instead.  Years ago I started hearing (and totally ignoring) messages from my body to start taking better care of myself.  Then, a couple of months ago, despite having little free time, I signed up for a circuit training-type exercise class two nights a week.  

Not only did I sign up, but I am actually going and loving it.  This is a real first for me.  On top of my new-found affinity for exercise I have also been singing more than usual, writing less than usual, dancing more than usual, socializing less than usual, worrying less than usual and generally giving less of myself away than I normally do.  I have been focusing a little bit on (gasp) myself and it has turned out to be a very cool and introspective time of self discovery.

The holidays are a good time to go inside ourselves a little bit aren't they?  This time of year is perfect for reflection, introspection and pause to listen for life's little messages.  

For example, when:

• Your kids have been out late three nights in a row, have been eating nothing but candy canes all day and are crumbling.  Cancel your plans and stay home.
• You have been "over enjoying" holiday parties and are feeling like the next stop may be Betty Ford?  Put the drink down.
• You're emotionally disconnected from someone you love?  Spend time with them.
• You're feeling like a first world slouch who pulls the trigger on a $653.00 Amazon shopping cart full of things your kids don't especially need?  Give to charity.

like this one

or this one

Whatever the whispers are trying to tell you this holiday, pause for a minute and hear them.  They are, after all, just our inner voice telling us where we should be investing ourselves, our time and our energy.  What could be more deserving of our attention?

Let that voice guide your decisions down the path that will ultimately lead you to your happiest holiday yet.  The path that shows us all the magic, beauty and excitement we have the opportunity to experience every single day from the minute we open our eyes.  If we open our hearts, stay very still, and listen for the little whispers. 

Wishing you and yours a very merry everything.  xo - juli