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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

the enemy of joy.


I recently read an interesting quote: "Comparison is the enemy of contentment."  It has also been said that comparison is the enemy of joy, which to me takes it one step further and really captures the spirit of the sentiment.  I suppose once one is content it is easier to experience joy, and if you are never truly content you can never experience true joy but whatever - you get the point.

I love this quote.  I love it because in the wold of social media, social networking, social schedules, and of course, good old fashioned socializing, it has become nearly impossible to not compare yourself to your peers.  It takes a tremendous amount of mental and emotional discipline to not allow ones self to become affected by the constant flood of information about the lives of others that we are faced with every day. 

We know when our friends get a new pair of boots, when they are taking a fabulous vacation to a tropical climate while we shiver in our cubicle, when someone has just fallen in love while our marriage falls apart, etc.  Nobody ever takes a picture of their sick child immediately following an epic puke session with the caption "today sucked so hard".  It's all too easy to fall down the slippery slope of why-do-they-have-it-so-much-better-than-me.  When in fact, they probably don't - social media just makes it look that way and in our minds we begin to compare. 

I think back to stories my Grandmother tells me about when she was raising her children in rural New Hampshire in the 40's and 50's.  Every family had only one car, which the men would drive to work in the morning leaving the wife and kids behind.  That meant if you wanted to be "social" you had to literally bundle up your brood and walk them to the neighbor's home for a cup of coffee and six million cigarettes, which my Gram did regularly to keep herself sane.  I don't blame her one bit, I would have done the same and worse, but aaaaaanyway.  Your social network consisted of three or four women in a similar socioeconomic situation as you with kids your kids age, etc, etc.  While I'm sure those four women were comparing themselves to one another in many ways, I don't think it had the same energy and impact as comparing yourself to your 416 "friends" on Facebook every day.

This raises another equally interesting point:  Why does it sting so much when we begin the mental tally of what someone else achieved in their life as compared to us?  I read Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton and found some good answers.  His book talks about our desire to "climb the social ladder" in society and how the result is various insecurities, anxieties and general unhappiness.  Here is a copy/paste directly from the on-line summary of the book Status Anxiety:

Causes:
Solutions:
One of the most interesting points for me was that when it comes to comparing ourselves to others we are most upset by those who we perceive most similar to us.  In other words, we don't get pissed when people like J.Lo and Brangelina have more than us - we expect them to, they somehow deserve it and it's fine with us.  They're so far beyond the scope of what we feel we could ever achieve that we don't find them to be a threat.  You don't ever hear anyone getting upset in the cafeteria during lunch because John Travolta just bought another jet and what the hell gives him the right?  No, we get irked because the middle-class family three doors down the street put an addition on the back of their house and then had the balls to take a ski trip to Utah.  We see these people as so similar to ourselves that it's harder for us to understand why they should have these things and we can't.  It seems illogical, but it's so true.  It is the people closest to us that have the ability to deprive us of the most joy - if we allow it.

As I get older I'm becoming very conscious of the human tendency to compare, and try to stop myself as soon as I become aware I'm doing it, but it can be hard.  This week I had two sick children and a sick nanny.  After trips to the ER, countless doctor visits and a straight week of no sleep I am officially cashed. Period.  It's February in New Hampshire which means grey skies and a "wintry mix" that just won't quit.  I'm dying for some sunshine, to get my hands in the dirt, to smell Spring and wear a skirt.  In short, I am completely bummed out. 

My parents are in Puerto Rico, my in-laws are in New Mexico and with it being school vacation week just about everyone we know is somewhere better than here.  I can't help but wish our daughter wasn't always sick.  I can't help but wish we had the extra cash or vacation time to go somewhere warm for a few days, I just can't.  I struggle to remind myself that Ekhart Tolle would say there is nowhere else I am supposed to be but here - because this is where I am.  This is the perfect place for me right now - except it doesn't feel so perfect. 

So I guess the answer is to keep trying, to keep fighting the urge to compare.  To remind myself that comparison truly is the enemy of joy, and that if I want to turn this award-winning case of the winter blues around I had better stop looking outside my life and start looking inside it for joy.  Because even in New Hampshire, even in February, even in a snowstorm, even with a sick baby the joy is there.  If we choose to see it.