There was a point in my life when I had time to watch television. It's hard to imagine today, but I know it's true because how else could I possibly have memorized all six seasons of Sex and the City? Back in the days of unlimited free time I was obsessed with the HBO drama Six Feet Under. This was the pre- "On Demand"/Hulu era and so I looked forward to Sunday nights all weekend long. It was, and still is, my favorite TV series of all time (anyone who watched the whole thing start to finish would probably agree with me...seriously, how awesome was that show?)
Anyway, the first episode of Season 5, titled "A Coat of White Primer" depicted the two ill-fated lovers, Nate and Brenda, about to be married. While image hunting I found the shot below - like their relationship it is so hot yet so painful and tortured. Why can't Peter Krause and Rachel Griffiths be together in real life? I would watch a reality show that was based on these two paying bills or eating cereal - that's how much chemistry they have.
True to most HBO dramas, a number of things go south before the big day creating a messy, emotional and highly imperfect wedding day for the couple. The show aired in 2005, and I still remember the line: "I love how weddings erase the past, like a coat of white primer". The visual is just so...well, visual.
You can't help but picture your life like an old plaster wall, complete with cracks and holes that have been patched, sanded, and then painted over with a giant roller...revealing a perfectly fresh and blemish-free new wall. The end result looking as if those cracks and blemishes had never been there at all.
In a way, the new year we just celebrated reminds me of a wedding. A new beginning, endless possibilities, hope for the future, brighter days ahead, etc. When we wake up on January 1 we are supposed have this clean slate, a fresh white wall with no nail holes or imperfections - but does that idea even make sense, and more importantly, is it what we really want?
My family has a bakery, which means every December 31 there is a mad rush on pastry as people "stock up" prior to starting their new year's diets. Subsequently, the first two to three weeks in January are pretty slow as folks take advantage of their neglected gym memberships and try to avoid extra calories. This confuses me.
I never understood why smoking 15 cigarettes the night before you plan to quit smoking or drinking a fifth of vodka the day before you plan to quit drinking could ever seem logical to someone. I don't relate to the idea that breakfast one day is four jelly doughnuts and breakfast the next is a half a grapefruit just because the calendar says it's 2014. It's one of the reasons I've never once made a new year's resolution (that and the fact that I don't like breaking promises, even those made to myself).
To me, the shifts in behavior that resolutions often create are the coat of white primer at it's finest. All our "sins" are wiped clean and we start the new year as pure as the January snow that is starting to pile up outside our windows. The idea of white primer can be tempting no doubt, but if we erase the "bad" we have to erase the "good" right along with it. The cracks and memories are there for the duration, and would we really want it any other way? To me, resolving to be a different version of yourself is almost implying that the version you were before was somehow not good enough - and believing that is just selling yourself short.
I will admit there have been times when I too, have been tempted to reach for that mental gallon of white paint. Times when the past, and things that happened in it, made me shake my head a little in hopes that the memory would shake out too - but they never do. The cracks and imperfections that difficult memories create are all part of our wall. And like the old horsehair plaster walls in my home the imperfections only make the room more beautiful.
Keep doing better every day, keep working on the pieces of yourself that you believe need the most attention - and by all means, go on a diet and hit the gym because it makes you feel good. Just don't let the new year fool you into thinking there was anything wrong with the person you were last year or the person you are today. Don't give the date on the calendar or the expectations you put on yourself the power to bring you down.
The next time a difficult memory has you reaching for that roller try to resist the urge to paint over it. Remind yourself that without that "mistake" your path would never have been the same, you would never be the person you are, and your room would never be as interesting if it wasn't for all those beautiful imperfections.
happy new year
