"Happiness is not the belief that we don't need to change, it is the realization that we can." - Shawn Achor
I don't yell at my kids much, I just don't. Everyone has their own parenting style, but for me a bunch of yelling just makes the house an uneasy place where nobody wants to be...including me. I DO, however, have what I call the "wolf eyes", which is this super scary angry mommy stare that the kids seem to think can burn human flesh. When I give the wolf eyes combined with a through-gritted-teeth order suddenly teeth get brushed, clothes get put on and homework will be done. The wolf eyes are my "In Case Of Emergency Break Glass" move that I only pull out when I mean business and they know it. It works for me so I'm sticking with it.
This is why the other night when I "yelled" at my not yet three year old little girl it took both of us by surprise. I had cooked what I thought was a nice dinner on a work night that included fresh fish and all major food groups. I was proud. We all sat down to eat a proper meal at a set table which happens like never. I had my fork in my hand and was about to take my first bite.
*Queue the toddler melt down.*
She wasn't hungry, she didn't like the food, she wanted to eat in the living room...name a problem,she had it. After many failed attempts at trying to get her to sit in her seat and eat I finally picked her up, carried her into the living room and put her on the couch. I pointed my finger at her and yelled "WE EAT AS A FAMILY IN THIS HOUSE! YOU NEED TO LEARN TO SIT AT THE TABLE AND EAT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! WHEN MOMMY COOKS A NICE DINNER I EXPECT YOU TO EAT IT!"
She looked at me totally confused/scared and nodded her little head "yes". I quickly and guiltily scooped her up, hugged her and told her I loved her. I felt like a total piece of dirt. About a half hour later I was cleaning up the dishes when she walked into the kitchen with her footie pajamas on and looked up at me. In her sweet little toddler voice she simply asked "Mommy, you happy now?"
Yes, parenting guilt is the gift that keeps on giving and I will probably always remember the day I yelled at my daughter for not sitting at the dinner table. The question she asked however, was so black and white, so clear - yet so much more relevant to me than she even knew. She simply asked if I was happy. It's such a short little question with such a big meaning behind it - and it came at a very interesting time.
Earlier that week I had attended a seminar on Female Leadership sponsored Simmons College. The keynote speaker was Vernice "FlyGirl" Armour (http://vernicearmour.com/). She was the first African-American female combat pilot and author of the book "Zero to Breakthrough: The 7-Step Battle Tested Method for Accomplishing Goals That Matter". Her presentation focused on setting goals and accomplishing them. She talked about how to figure out what you want by first imagining there are no constraints and no obstacles - nothing stopping you from reaching your goal. Just picture yourself where you want to be first and then worry about establishing the path to get there. She had some other key points that I thought were worth sharing (since chances are you weren't there):
She looked at me totally confused/scared and nodded her little head "yes". I quickly and guiltily scooped her up, hugged her and told her I loved her. I felt like a total piece of dirt. About a half hour later I was cleaning up the dishes when she walked into the kitchen with her footie pajamas on and looked up at me. In her sweet little toddler voice she simply asked "Mommy, you happy now?"
Yes, parenting guilt is the gift that keeps on giving and I will probably always remember the day I yelled at my daughter for not sitting at the dinner table. The question she asked however, was so black and white, so clear - yet so much more relevant to me than she even knew. She simply asked if I was happy. It's such a short little question with such a big meaning behind it - and it came at a very interesting time.
Earlier that week I had attended a seminar on Female Leadership sponsored Simmons College. The keynote speaker was Vernice "FlyGirl" Armour (http://vernicearmour.com/). She was the first African-American female combat pilot and author of the book "Zero to Breakthrough: The 7-Step Battle Tested Method for Accomplishing Goals That Matter". Her presentation focused on setting goals and accomplishing them. She talked about how to figure out what you want by first imagining there are no constraints and no obstacles - nothing stopping you from reaching your goal. Just picture yourself where you want to be first and then worry about establishing the path to get there. She had some other key points that I thought were worth sharing (since chances are you weren't there):
- Set aside time every for free thinking. Whether it be in the car with no distractions, or before you go to sleep at night save some time to NOT be tactical. Just letting ideas and new thoughts flow freely into your mind can be very relaxing - meditation is obviously great for this.
- Opportunities don't go away - someone else just takes advantage of them. Don't spend so much time making a decision that the opportunity is gone by the time you've made up your mind.
- Do the things that are important to you every day. For example, if you are interested in publishing a book, set aside time every day to write. Make your goals into a regular practice.
That same week I happened to attended a meeting for SWE (Society of Women Engineers). I'm not an engineer, but I am a woman, and apparently that's good enough for them. One of the video clips presented during the meeting was a coaching session led by Shawn Achor, author of "The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work". This guy is interesting. He is a Harvard grad who studied, then lived, then worked at Harvard for 12 years. During that time he started to notice patterns in behavior amongst students and correlations between attitude (happiness) and success in their studies.
PRINCIPLE #2: THE FULCRUM AND THE LEVER
He became very interested in the field of Positive Psychology (studying what makes people feel better instead of studying what makes them feel worse), interviewed about 1,600 Harvard students and then travelled the world studying people from various walks of life before the wrote the book. He studied commonalities in behaviors and approaches to life that all happy people share and turned them into "The Seven Principles" (which are kinda meaningless unless you read the book but just for fun), they are:
PRINCIPLE #1: THE HAPPINESS ADVANTAGE
PRINCIPLE #1: THE HAPPINESS ADVANTAGE
He takes a totally different approach to defining success. He argues that we are programmed to believe that only once we are successful can we be happy. The only problem with this thinking is that success is a moving target. Is getting into college a success or is graduating? Is getting a good job a success or is getting a promotion? When are we actually done being successful? Never. If we keep waiting until we accomplish our next goal before we can be happy the obvious answer is we never will be.
He also talks about how happiness really depends on the lens through which we look at life. You can have a Harvard student who sees their Ivy League education as torture they must endure while a student in an African schoolhouse with dirt floors and limited materials feels honored to be receiving any type of education at all. It all has to do with perspective.
I related to him much more than I had related to the Simmons College speaker earlier in the week. I really like the idea of not sitting back and saying "I just want to be happy". 'Cause guess what? So does everyone else. Happiness isn't something that comes to everyone naturally, nor is it something that every person gets to experience. That's why the United States Declaration of Independence states that "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness". We have the right to try, and that's all. But that's enough.
The science of Positive Psychology has come so far. We have actual resources, methods and tools supported by science that can help us create more happiness - simple practices that can actually change our lives. How lucky are we that we live in a time when studying, creating and enjoying happiness has never been easier? I would encourage anyone to seek out these resources and try to adopt just one new practice, just one small change that can have a surprising affect on the happiness you experience in your life. Exercise, keeping a journal, meditating or making random acts of kindness a practice are all proven examples. Give one new practice a shot and see if the positive ripple affect your new behavior creates is worth the time/emotional investment you've made...betcha it will be.
So in the end, I answered my daughter's simple question with the most simple answer I could give. When she asked if I was happy I simply told her "Yes honey, I am."
