the head stand.

I used to question women who said "My child is my greatest teacher".  The grad student in me thought: 'Get a life lady.  If your three-year old is your greatest teacher then maybe you need to switch schools.'  It humbles me to say I am becoming one of "those" women.  Honestly, if it weren't for my seven-year old son, I may never have grown up at all.

That very same thinks-he's-wicked-cool-going-into-second-grade son was showing off like seven-year olds do.  He was trying to do a head stand (yes, a head stand) on a basketball court and wasn't exactly able to pull it off.  The result of this failed attempt was minor road rash from his chin to his forehead and every facial part in between.  It was a totally sad/cute/endearing/non-life threatening kid injury.  While I felt sorry for him I was mostly grateful for the safety lesson he had learned...I was also happy he didn't knock out his two front teeth.  

Once the dust settled and the antibiotic ointment was applied we all re-grouped and tucked ourselves in for another night of summer slumber.  The following morning my scab-covered  boy was up for absolutely nothing.  He was tired, sore and (I speculate) embarrassed about his physical appearance.  I took one look at him and gave him permission to take it easy for the day and generally avoid contact with the outside world.  

While cancelling his commitments for that day it was suggested to me that I was more concerned with the cosmetic effects of the accident rather than the medical aspect of his scrape.  My initial reaction was to become defensive.  I was NOT worried about his looks.  I was ONLY concerned about his well being and health...you know, the same way a doctor would be.  How dare someone suggest I was concerned with his "beauty", as it was put.

After I had a chance to cool off and put my bruised ego aside I was able to be honest with myself.  I absolutely do think his little face is beautiful - the same way every mom in the world feels when she looks at her child.  And I am, after all, the same girl who has an Instagram profile that reads like this: 

"Amateur blogger.  Lover of all things beautiful (including but not limited to) New Hampshire, gardens, junk art, books, lipstick, barns and people."

I also belong to a committee in my town that is actually called the "Beautification Committee" (we plant flowers around town and decorate for holidays and whatnot).  So you see, the irony of this situation was not lost on me.

Here I am a self-proclaimed lover of all things beautiful, but I couldn't admit to feeling that my own son was one of them.  Why did the accusation of being concerned with beauty make me feel so superficial and character lacking?  Why do I go out of  my way to create as much beauty as possible in my home and in my life anyway? 

I've spent the last week kicking those questions around in my mind and I think I may have an answer.  My truth is that this world and this life are not always beautiful.  Things like war, neglect, hunger, abuse and loneliness are very real evidence of that.  Whether we like it or not there are daily reminders of ugly human behavior all around us (even if you don't watch FOX News).  If we don't let the beauty of life and people fill up most of the space inside of us other things will find a way to creep in and fill that space.

So I have slowly and maybe subconsciously elected to focus on the beauty.  That's not to say I don't acknowledge, respect and sometimes experience the things that happen in this world that are often out of our control.  It just means that when I have the opportunity to create or enjoy the beauty of life I jump at it.  

I try to fill my space up with the way my moms eyes look when she laughs, or the way my daughters hair is a rat nest when she wakes up in the morning.  When someone holds the door open for someone else when they are walking into the pharmacy, when the sky is pink at dusk, when we share a meal with friends, when the birds are chirping out my window before I open my eyes, when the very first signs of Spring appear or the very first snow of Winter falls.

Beautiful.  All of it (including my sons scratched up, banged up face).  

Summer really lends itself to beauty in nature.  You would actually have to try pretty hard to avoid the beauty this time of year brings.  Take as much of it in as you possibly can.  And if you have the opportunity to create something beautiful for someone else, take it - because the world really is so beautiful and life really is so short.

the pause button.

When you are measuring time against the growth of small children it moves fast - sometimes too fast.  I am starting to see why parents of older kids are always telling new parents  'Enjoy it!  It goes by so fast!'  I try to slow life down a bit (which is of course impossible) by doing creative "shuffling".  I move appointments, cancel plans, run three errands at a time or do two things at once.  I love folding five loads of laundry while I am on a conference call.  In my mind, I just won that hour back.  

Still, no matter how efficiently I schedule my days or productively I use my time, there are still moments I just really want to hit the pause button on the giant flat-screen of life and have time stand still for a minute.  Times I wish the whole world would stop moving around me so I could catch my breath, take it all in, and enjoy.

Time is a strange thing.  We're constantly spending it, yet there is no way to really go back and be sure we got our money's worth.  Speaking of money, let's take online banking as an example.  I can hop online whenever I please and see where every penny I spent in the last day, week or month went.  Heck, my bank even generates a handy-dandy little pie chart off to the right of my purchases to show me what percentage of my spending went toward utilities/entertainment/mortgage, etc.  My itemized purchases might look something like this (or since these are actual charges, exactly like this):

06/10/2014
PURCHASE / 06-09-14 RITE AID STORE #10 MILFORD NH
  $50.00
06/10/2014
PURCHASE / 06-07-14 WHITE DUCK CAR WAS MILFORD NH
  $10.00
06/10/2014
PURCHASE / 06-09-14 BRUSTER'S ICE CREA NASHUA NH
  $4.49
06/09/2014
PURCHASE / 06-08-14 MOULTON[S MARKET AMHERST NH
  $23.57
06/09/2014
PURCHASE / 06-06-14 LOWES #01907* BEDFORD NH
  $161.99
06/06/2014
PURCHASE / 06-06-14 Amazon Video On Demand WA
  $1.99

I have no idea who charged that $4.49 at Bruster's Ice Cream on 6/9 on her way home from work.  I mean on their way home from work.  I mean I don't know who would ever get an ice cream on their way home from work.  Must have been for the kids (cough).

Wouldn't it be interesting to see your day and the way you spent your time itemized that clearly for your review?  An average day might look like:

06/10/2014

6:03-6:35  WATCHED CURIOUS GEORGE AND CUDDLED
6:36-7:15  SHOWERED AND MADE COFFEE
7:15-7:31  DRANK SAID COFFEE AND GOT KIDS READY FOR SCHOOL
7:32-8:24  COMMUTE  (LISTENED TO NPR AND CHATTED WITH MOM)
8:25-8:39  GOT MORE COFFEE, ATE BREAKFAST AND POWERED UP COMPUTER
8:40-9:22  READ EMAILS FROM NIGHT BEFORE AND CHECKED BANK ACCOUNTS
9:23-9:37  DISCUSSED SLEEPING HABITS OF THREE YEAR OLD WITH A COWORKER

Holy crap is my life boring, but you get the point.  I think even the most productive among us would probably be surprised to see a break-down of how wisely we are spending our time.  I wonder what changes, if any, we would make if we all had the online banking view of time spent?  

This is a great clip on work/life balance and how to make the most of your time that I recently caught during a lunch workshop.  It's so funny to hear the speaker describe how he thought he would be spending his time as compared to how he actually ended up spending it - take a listen:

http://www.ted.com/talks/nigel_marsh_how_to_make_work_life_balance_work


We have all heard the expressions 'time is money' or 'time is our most valuable resource'.  I'll take it a step further and say I think it's fair to say that asking for someone's time is the same as asking for a little piece of their life.  Rather than saying "Hey, do you have some time today to review the reports you sent me last week?" we should just say "Hey, can I have a little bit of your life today to review the reports you sent me last week?"  After all, that's what we're really asking for right?  A little crumb of time - and we have no idea how big the cookie is.

My husband has many wonderful qualities, but punctuality is not one of them.  I have this sideways theory on his chronic tardiness that he has a hard time swallowing.  I say that if someone is waiting for you, being late is the same as saying that your time is more important than theirs.  It sends a quiet message that you feel it is okay for them to waste their time waiting for you, because whatever activity caused your tardiness is more important than the activity they had to forego to be on time.  It's a passive insult.  When I say things like this I can almost see the little cartoon bubble floating above his head that reads:

The positive side of that coin is acknowledging the gift of someone else's time when they choose to spend it with you.  In New Hampshire we get about twenty beautiful, sunny Saturdays per year...on a good year.  Only about half of those twenty Saturdays fall during the summer months.  Those summer Saturdays are precious.  When a friend or family member chooses to spend their sunny Saturday afternoon with us I take it as a compliment, that they value our time together enough to spend it at our home visiting, eating, whatever.  Because after all, it's their summer Saturday afternoon too, and there's only so many of them.

We can multi-task all we want.  We can organize our busy lives into perfect fifteen minute increments to maximize our time - but it's all for nothing if we're not enjoying the time we spend.  

Summer has arrived (insert excited squeal here).  

It is your season and it is your time.  You get to decide how to spend it best and who best to spend it with.  And when that perfect summer moment arrives, that rare sunny day when the air smells like cut grass, the drink in your hand is cold and the people you love are smiling - close your eyes.  And hit the pause button.

*Thank you for the time you took to read this.  I thoroughly enjoyed the time it took me to write it (wink).*

the confidence gap.

My three year old daughter was up to no good, which is absolutely nothing new for her.  She was doing something I had asked her repeatedly and nicely not to do and (of course) she kept right on doing it anyway.  When I had finally had enough and told her that was the end of making the huge mess she was making she looked at me and said 'Sorry Mom, I'm just a little girl.' (which sounded like 'ghoul' in her toddler accent).  Her inflection made it sound so small, insignificant and stupid to be a girl that I immediately dropped to my knees, looked her very seriously in the eye and said "don't ever say just a little girl honey, one little girl can do anything, a little girl can change the whole world."

I didn't plan that speech at all.  I never would have guessed that hearing her belittle her gender would affect me the way it did.  I never gave much thought to the things I would say to my daughter or how they would vary (if they would vary) from the things I said to my son when he was the same age - after all, kids are kids right?  

Turns out no.  I find myself giving her very different "talks" in those quiet moments before bed or when it is just the two of us in the car and I have her attention.  I notice I am building her self confidence from a different angle than the one I took with my son.  Frankly, it's surprised me.  The older she gets the more I'm noticing the way I choose my words as they relate to gender equality.

I think it is safe to say I am a feminist.  I embrace my gender and all things female with arms wide open.  I make a point not to get religious or political with the blog, so don't get nervous.  It's just the topic of women and our general awesomeness is one that has been on my mind a lot lately.  As I age I only become more amazed by how resilient and unstoppable we women are.  

I spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking and reading about the female role over the course of history and how the work of women has shaped families and civilizations.  I want to believe that by now gender equality is just a given (all equality for that matter), but since we're still talking about it...it's not.

A colleague of mine sent me this article called "The Confidence Gap" written by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman.  It's long but worth the read:

http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/04/the-confidence-gap/359815/

The article talks about how women hold themselves back from positions of power by convincing ourselves we aren't qualified.  Our humility keeps us feeling like we somehow arrived to this place in life through a series of fortunate events, and not by virtue of working hard and being rightfully rewarded for our efforts.  It talks about how the same test was given to two groups consisting of female and male subjects.  The women interviewed after leaving the test reported feeling that they "did okay" while their male counterparts thought they killed it.  In the end, their scores were the same.

For some reason I can remember third grade like it was yesterday.  My super sweet, super southern, super awesome teacher Miss Finnegan was going over some complicated third grade math concept on the chalk board.  She had lost me and I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.  She turned around and asked "Is everyone following me?  Do you see what I just did?  Raise your hand if you didn't understand."  Nobody raised their hand.  I started to have anxiety and thought to myself 'I am the only person who doesn't understand this.  I will never be good at Math.  Everyone in this class is smarter than me.'

Looking back I can almost guarantee there were other kids in the class who didn't get that tricky third grade Math.  Like me, they were probably too embarrassed to raise their hand and admit they needed a little more time with the concept.  Or maybe I just really do suck at Math.  Either way, the point here is I started with negative self talk about my abilities and qualifications at the tender age of eight.  It took me until my late 20's to turn that shit around and I'll be damned if my daughter sits in class thinking she doesn't belong there.  Why is it sometimes so hard to believe that we really are as smart/funny/strong/cultured/inspiring as we truly are?

Speaking of schools - I caught this in my news feed today, the idea of teaching Feminism in schools for five very good reasons.

http://www.chicagonow.com/nails-on-a-chalkboard/2014/05/5-reasons-to-teach-feminism-in-high-school/

In case you don't feel like clicking on the link I'll give you the lazy man's lobster.  Here are the five reasons why:

1)  A woman’s words are more important than her appearance.
2)  A woman’s body does not require a man—or a woman’s—evaluation.
3)  A woman should not have to *"act like a man" in order to receive respect.
4)  Women are not weak.
5)  Nobody should be seen as conquerable and disposable.

Yes.  A Feminism course that's standard in high schools.  Yes.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to get out of town with eight other women.  Throughout the course of our "mini-break" I couldn't help notice how supportive, caring and encouraging we were with one another.  No negative self-talk was tolerated.  No disrespecting of one's own body in a bathing suit would be heard.  Husbands and children were rarely discussed.  We propped each other up, made one another feel bright and beautiful and generally embraced our feminine selves for three days straight.  I can only speak for myself but I think we all ended our time together with our heads held a little higher and feeling a little stronger.

That is my hope for my daughter.  I hope she sees other women as allies, not threats.  I hope her girlfriends are mirrors that let her see all the best parts of herself - and that she can do the same for them.  I hope she never listens to that little voice that says she doesn't deserve "it" - whatever "it" is.  I hope she sees her future partner as her complete equal, but not the person she needs to be complete herself.  I hope she loves every little thing about her body and her mind.  

I hope that if I say it over and over enough times she will eventually believe me -  that one little girl really can change everything.

let's be clear.

After writing this post I realized (gasp!) I had neglected to include the monthly we're-about-to-kiss photo!  Since I couldn't figure out a clever way to sneak a steamy shot into this post I thought why not include one of my all time favs anyway?  So what if it's totally irrelevant and has nothing to do with the topic?  And let's be real - do we even need a reason to admire the extreme hotness that is Tristan and Susannah from Legends of the Fall?  That's what I thought.

For the love of god and all things holy.   

I realize this is a tough transition, but let's get back to business shall we?

I was stalling when it came time to write the April installment of TLT because frankly, it's been a rough month (or two).  I wanted to wait until I was feeling sunshiny and had something sunshiny to say before I started writing.  Then I realized how silly and disingenuous that thinking is - we're in this together right?  For good or bad, richer or poorer...you get my point.

So the last few months of my life have been consumed with something that I will (for the the purposes of this post) refer to as "The Transaction".  The Transaction is a very complicated, very taxing life circumstance that my husband and I have been navigating and trying to resolve for a long time now, and has just recently reached critical mass.  I'm not going to bore you with the details of The Transaction for two reasons:

1)  It's a downer and I promised I would write for no reason other than to make both of us feel better.
2)  My husband would kill me.

The Transaction has produced a series of obstacles that we have addressed and overcome one at a time throughout the last few years.  Each new challenge has been a learning experience, a growth opportunity and a good excuse to pour a stiff drink.  Needless to say there have been sleepless nights, raised voices and a growing level of anxiousness to bring The (evil) Transaction to a close once and for all.

Finally, we were at the finish line.  Victory was so close we could taste it.  It was finally done.  And then suddenly, it wasn't.

How could this be?!?!  I felt mentally defeated and out of energy.  I wasn't sure what to do or how I was ever going to muster up the "umph" to pick myself up and start all over again.  As I sat in my office wondering how months of work could possibly have been for NOTHING I got a phone call from my Dad.  I rarely get phone calls from my Dad.  He said something like this:

"You can't let this thing win Jules.  You can't jump ship now, you have to keep trying.  Try to keep a clear head about you.  You need to develop a new plan." 

He said a bunch of other "Dad stuff" that even as a thirty six year old woman made me feel safe and like everything was going to be okay.  My Dad is one hell of a guy, he really is. 

I listened to everything he said but the only part I really heard was his instruction to keep a clear head.  His choice of words couldn't have been more perfect.  I had just finished reading The Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli.

(*Fun Little Side note:  Upon researching Mr. Dobelli, a Swiss author and entrepreneur, I learned that he is a co-founder of getAbstract, the "compressed reading" site that I've used in the past when I was too lazy to read the whole book.  Weird right?  Small world.*)  

Mr. Dobelli is not a dreamer, he is a thinker.  He is the opposite of a self-helpie type, he's more of a rain on your parade with facts, stats and practicality type which makes for a depressing read but a good sanity check.

...plus he's kinda cute, no?

He makes many (harsh and depressing) good points in the book.  He talks about how we (humans) make poor decisions and our lives harder than they need to be by not thinking straight.  He breaks our bunk logic apart into categories and provides examples - just for fun here are a couple:

• "My uncle smoked three packs a day his whole life and he lived to be 93!"  Taking one example that is statistically unlikely and using it to justify our actions.

• "I can't leave my wife now (even though I am totally miserable and we are like strangers), I have 17 years invested in this relationship!"  Using the "sunk cost" of time or energy invested in a project or relationship as a basis for making a decision about the future.

• Making a decision based on "known truths" (which may not be true) without questioning them.  Many companies have closed their doors because of this.

...and countless others.  This book is a quick read and worth your time if you find yourself in a decision-making-heavy time in your life. 

Sometimes things just don't seem fair.  I believe it's true that sometimes you do give more than you get.  Sometimes the effort you put in is not equal to the reward you get out.  Sometimes the love you give someone is not equal to the love they give in return.  And in the lyrics from that catchy little tune by Passenger:

sometimes you gain less than you lose
we've got holes in our hearts
we've got holes in our lives
we've got holes, we've got holes
but we carry on

So I decided I would find the energy keep trying.  I refuse to let the history of The Transaction prevent a positive outcome.  I'm not going to let my emotions cloud my ability to make sound decisions and see this thing through to the end.  After all, The Transaction is going to be there whether I pull the covers over my head and take it personally or keep a clear mind and a light heart.   

Sometimes it's hard to see the reason why everything is supposed to happen for a reason.  And you know what?  It's okay.  Forget about the scale that measures who tried harder or who gave more and just be happy you were there to give at all.  Know that every day we have an opportunity to be stronger and more resilient than we were yesterday.  To pick ourselves up, to keep a clear head about us, and to carry on.

you're doing it wrong.

Happy (almost) Spring devoted readers!

The blog topic this month is one I rarely discuss.  The topic of the blog itself.  When I started writing The Little Things I had absolutely no idea how common it was for a woman in her 30's to write a blog.  Four years ago I thought I was doing something unique.  As it turns out I simply joined the ranks of over 8 million other American women who are blogging.  So yeah...about as unique as a suburban housewife shopping at Target.

I did zero research and gave it zero thought before diving in.  I never considered my audience, the topics, the format, the frequency...none of it.  I kept this blog private for the first two years and treated it more as a personal journal that I wrote only for myself, because I never had any intentions of making it public. 

More than a year has passed since I came out of the blogging closet and figured maybe it's time I actually did some studying up on this whole blogging business to figure out what direction I want to go with this (if any) and what I could be doing better. 

Ultimately, I learned I'm doing it wrong.  

List of things I have learned about successful blogging (as a result of some spotty online research):

1. Readers like lists.  No joke, I read that every blog entry should have a list because people like them and they help organize your message.  This is one thing I was doing right...I love lists!  YAY - one win for The Little Things!
2. Most successful blogs have a theme.  Think homeshooling, interior design, raising kids, food (this is a big one), fashion, weddings, politics, exercise, etc.  I'm pretty sure this is one area where I am missing the blog boat.  To me, TLT is the Seinfeld of blogs - it's really a blog about nothing.  I think I may be okay with that.
3. Consistency is key.  Most successful blogs have daily posts, or at least multiple posts per week to keep readers engaged and following along.  I am of the opinion that people are busy enough with their own lives and don't want to take the time to read my babble more than once a month, so I'm disregarding this advice.
4. Readers like to feel included in the blog (and the writers life).  This one got me thinking.  I share quotes, thoughts, articles, books and pleeeenty of opinions, but I really don't share anything particularly specific about me or my life.  Would pictures of my kids, what I cooked for dinner last night or the disorganized pile of clothes in my closet make me seem more interesting?  I doubt it.
   (See?  Not even remotely interseting.)
5. The blog should help people in some way.  Tips on how to cook a healthy meal in less than 15 minutes, how to lose 7lbs in a week, how to teach algebra to your home schooled 12 year old, how to knit a scarf with yarn you dyed from the wool you sheared off your own friggin' sheep, etc.  This one makes sense to me.  If people are going to spend their ten minutes reading your words they should at least get something tangible out of it.  Here's the problem...I'm not particularly good at any one thing.  Not good enough anyway, that I feel I am in a position to give anyone "tips" complete with images, instructions and materials on how to do one thing exceptionally well.  Plus that feels a little show-offy to me.  If you're looking for a quilting pattern or a gluten-free recipe for stew I'm probably not your girl.
6. Your blog can make money.  This isn't even worth talking about for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that not enough people read this blog.  

I FINALLY finished the book I mentioned back in November of 2013 called Homeward Bound by Emily Matcher.  What a fantastic read (thanks again Rushmie)!  It was like I commissioned this author to write a book custom designed to fit my life, thoughts and interests.  Emily Matcher, you spoke to me.  She talks quite a bit about the blogging culture and how some women have been successful (and how many others have not) at making a livelihood from their blog.  Blogging is a cultural phenomenon and much more than a charming pass time to many successful writers.  I'll admit that after seeing what some women are doing with their blogs I started feeling like The Little Things was, well...little.

All this reading and research just confirmed what I've known all along.  My blog is not much more than a journal I keep for myself to capture my thoughts and avoid the high cost of therapy.  This blog is my outlet, and I guess the idea is that if something is on my mind it might just be on your mind too.  And maybe just knowing that we're not alone is enough to make both of us feel less crazy.  I write only about the things I feel passionate enough about to discuss, and in the words of Laurel from the 1996 film Jerry Maguire, "I'm incapable of small talk."  

(Man, I'm a sucker for the we're-just-about-to-kiss images and have made a habit of sneaking them in any time I can find an excuse.)

Sharing these thoughts and observations with my incredibly smart, funny and good-looking readers has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.  I don't write for my husband or my kids or my company or anyone other than the people who enjoy it and me.  It's also the only "hobby" I have ever stuck with for more than a year so that has to mean something.  My tendency to bail on something once I figure out I'm not doing it perfectly had me thinking maybe it was time to call it quits.  Except I really don't want to, because (at risk of sounding self-serving) it makes me happy. 

So let's make a deal.  I'll promise to keep writing about the things that matter to me in the most honest way I know how - with no motive other than to make both of us feel better.  And in exchange, you'll promise to forgive my tendency to "over think it" and embrace the fact that I'm doing it wrong.  xo - juli 

good girl.

Disclaimer:  I could have titled this post "A Coat of White Primer, Part 2".  After I finished writing this I realized it is essentially a continuation of my post from last month.  

I've recently realized I may not live forever.  I'm probably over thinking this (who me?), but the more I hear about lives cut short, the more I consciously and subconsciously elect to "clean up my act" in an effort to maximize my time here.  After all, wouldn't it be foolish to ignore how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away? 

The "mommy factor" also plays a role in this effort.  I know that if I want to establish a healthy and positive groundwork for my kids I should lead by healthy and positive example.  It also goes without saying that I would like to be around as long as possible and a lifestyle composed of good choices increases our chances of stretching the clock a bit.  It can't hurt right?

The blurred line I always find myself trying to find through the haze of a hectic life is how good is good enough?  Where is that sweet spot where extending our time here and enjoying our time here intersect?  Maybe nobody else struggles with these types of issues, but I'm no saint okay?  So I do.  If you don't toggle with these dilemmas  I envy you - it's one less thing to worry about.  

Speaking of blurred lines.  She's a good gurrrrl.  Sorry, couldn't resist.

Back to how neurotic I am - here are some examples of "guidelines" that run through my mind like the Wall Street Ticker.

• Don't smoke.  It will ruin your skin, age you, and eventually kill you.  Got it.  Check.
• Move your body in some way shape or form regularly.  It will instill good exercise habits in the kids, plus you'll feel better physically and mentally.  Check.
• Set an example for hard work and continuous learning.  Work, work, work.  Read, read, read.  On it...check.
• Keep alcohol consumption moderate.  Booze kills brain cells, ruins your liver and (I just learned) causes cancer.  Plus nobody wants to be a lushed out parent.  Sigh...check.
• Use money wisely to encourage responsible spending.  Check.
• Eat clean.  This basically means eating only fish, (grass fed) meat, nuts, fruits and vegetables.  Nothing agriculture based, nothing artificial, and nothing that comes from a factory.  Wheat is the devil, heart disease is on the rise and obesity is an epidemic in this country.  Okay, okay, I get it.  Check. 

And these are just the behavior-based guidelines.  I'm not even talking about the emotional and psychological guidelines that are incorporated into my day-to-day.  This doesn't include the important stuff like instilling tolerance, kindness, honor, or a sense of social responsibility in my kids.  It also doesn't include the countless little reminders like watching my language so my toddler doesn't go to preschool and say "goddamn it" when she can't find her second mitten.  Or limiting the kids exposure to TV by constantly "enriching" them with some new and exciting activity or craft.  

*Just reading the paragraph above makes me want to pour a huge glass of red, turn on an episode of The Bachelor and take a nap.*

I've never really been a rebel.  I actually like toeing the line most of the time.  It's just that toeing it constantly and in so many ways can be hard.  As kids we can't wait to become adults so we can shed all the rules and restrictions that are imposed upon us by our parents and society.  Then we become adults and start imposing an even stricter set of rules upon ourselves.  

I sometimes find myself struggling with this question:  Is it okay to even be a little naughty?  Do all women have this Mary Poppins syndrome of feeling like they need to be perfectly perfect in every way and then scolding themselves when they aren't?  Am I harder on myself than I need to be?  When I ask my girlfriend (who thinks I'm ridiculous) this question she likes to remind me that I'm "not even Catholic" and hence have no business feeling so constantly guilty.

I recently discovered this fantastic article from the February, 2014 issue of TIME (I know, I reference TIME too much -  I totally acknowledge it) titled "The Superiority Complex, A new book from the "Tiger Mom" seeks to explain why some groups succeed in America and some fail."  This article is so worth the fifteen minutes it will take you to read it.  I promise.

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2163555,00.html

The writer, Suketu Mehta is an Indian born journalist and father.  In this article he questions the principles of "Tiger Mom" mentality which credits "impulse control" as one of the Top 3 characteristics that contribute to a successful life.  This Tiger Mom stuff it is a blog entry in itself, but if you're not familiar it's worth a Google.  Or just read the article above and you'll get the gist.  Mr. Mehta is a celebrated journalist and published author who graduated from NYU and was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize.  This guy is no joke.  He wrote the following:

"It's not conformity that makes this country great; it's an individual striking out against the expectations of his culture, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropping out of Harvard, Miles Davis coming out of herion addiction to produce 'Round About Midnight, the 14-year-old Billie Holiday turning the pain of her childhood into the bluest beauty, Sylvia Plath taking on death with pills and poetry, William S. Borroughs writing from the bowels of his addiction in Naked Lunch; it's Hemingway and Fitzgerald and Cheever and Carver drinking and writing, writing and drinking through their demons.  Imagine what American culture would be if American artists had kept a tight check on their impulses."

Before you get all excited, I am not suggesting that brilliance can be found at the bottom of a bottle or that addiction of any kind could ever be a positive or glamorous thing.  I'm also not putting myself in the same category as any of the people mentioned in the excerpt above.  But it did remind me that great things can come from what many would consider a less than perfect life, and that beauty can be born in even the most unsavory circumstances.  

That blurry line between following the rules and indulging our impulses can feel like tightrope walk at times.  But we, as adults, have the right to establish our own rules (and as long as we are not endangering ourselves or anyone else) we have the right to break them on occasion.  It's important to remember that if we concern ourselves with perfection in too many aspects of our life we are destined to disappoint.  


I want to believe that it's possible to be a little impulsive, a little wild, and maybe even a little naughty in the name of enjoying our time spent here.  I'd go so far as to say that straying away from our own rules now and again may be essential for those of us who have a wild side that needs to be quieted.  That way, for the other 361 days of the year, we can feel happy about just being a good girl.

a coat of white primer

There was a point in my life when I had time to watch television.  It's hard to imagine today, but I know it's true because how else could I possibly have memorized all six seasons of Sex and the City?  Back in the days of unlimited free time I was obsessed with the HBO drama Six Feet Under.  This was the pre- "On Demand"/Hulu era and so I looked forward to Sunday nights all weekend long.  It was, and still is, my favorite TV series of all time (anyone who watched the whole thing start to finish would probably agree with me...seriously, how awesome was that show?)

Anyway, the first episode of Season 5, titled "A Coat of White Primer" depicted the two ill-fated lovers, Nate and Brenda, about to be married.  While image hunting I found the shot below - like their relationship it is so hot yet so painful and tortured.  Why can't Peter Krause and Rachel Griffiths be together in real life?  I would watch a reality show that was based on these two paying bills or eating cereal - that's how much chemistry they have.

True to most HBO dramas, a number of things go south before the big day creating a messy, emotional and highly imperfect wedding day for the couple.  The show aired in 2005, and I still remember the line:  "I love how weddings erase the past, like a coat of white primer".  The visual is just so...well, visual.

You can't help but picture your life like an old plaster wall, complete with cracks and holes that have been patched, sanded, and then painted over with a giant roller...revealing a perfectly fresh and blemish-free new wall.  The end result looking as if those cracks and blemishes had never been there at all.  

In a way, the new year we just celebrated reminds me of a wedding.  A new beginning, endless possibilities, hope for the future, brighter days ahead, etc.  When we wake up on January 1 we are supposed have this clean slate, a fresh white wall with no nail holes or imperfections - but does that idea even make sense, and more importantly, is it what we really want?

My family has a bakery, which means every December 31 there is a mad rush on pastry as people "stock up" prior to starting their new year's diets.  Subsequently, the first two to three weeks in January are pretty slow as folks take advantage of their neglected gym memberships and try to avoid extra calories.  This confuses me.  

I never understood why smoking 15 cigarettes the night before you plan to quit smoking or drinking a fifth of vodka the day before you plan to quit drinking could ever seem logical to someone.  I don't relate to the idea that breakfast one day is four jelly doughnuts and breakfast the next is a half a grapefruit just because the calendar says it's 2014.  It's one of the reasons I've never once made a new year's resolution (that and the fact that I don't like breaking promises, even those made to myself).  

To me, the shifts in behavior that resolutions often create are the coat of white primer at it's finest.  All our "sins" are wiped clean and we start the new year as pure as the January snow that is starting to pile up outside our windows.  The idea of white primer can be tempting no doubt, but if we erase the "bad" we have to erase the "good" right along with it.  The cracks and memories are there for the duration, and would we really want it any other way?  To me, resolving to be a different version of yourself is almost implying that the version you were before was somehow not good enough - and believing that is just selling yourself short.

I will admit there have been times when I too, have been tempted to reach for that mental gallon of white paint.  Times when the past, and things that happened in it, made me shake my head a little in hopes that the memory would shake out too - but they never do.  The cracks and imperfections that difficult memories create are all part of our wall.  And like the old horsehair plaster walls in my home the imperfections only make the room more beautiful.

Keep doing better every day, keep working on the pieces of yourself that you believe need the most attention - and by all means, go on a diet and hit the gym because it makes you feel good.  Just don't let the new year fool you into thinking there was anything wrong with the person you were last year or the person you are today.  Don't give the date on the calendar or the expectations you put on yourself the power to bring you down.  

The next time a difficult memory has you reaching for that roller try to resist the urge to paint over it.  Remind yourself that without that "mistake" your path would never have been the same, you would never be the person you are, and your room would never be as interesting if it wasn't for all those beautiful imperfections.

happy new year