unafraid.

A lot of shit went down in February.

I dislike labeling things as "good" or "bad", but the events I am referring to wouldn't necessarily be considered positive in a traditional sense.  I said goodbye to my Grandmother for the last time.  I blew out my ACL on Valentine's Day resulting in a reconstructive surgery scheduled for the end of March.  Work threw a couple curve balls my way.  I faced the reality that Donald Trump will likely be the Republican candidate for POTUS (No. You know what?  I'm comfortable labeling this one as "bad").

Of course, these events couldn't be any more dissimilar or unrelated.  But they all had something in common that tried to quietly weave its way through them like a single black thread through a pale pink baby blanket.

The thread is fear.

Fear is such an interesting thing isn't it?  Our fears try to tell us they are there to protect us and keep us safe, when really they are holding us back and making us vulnerable.

Despite knowing full well it's not productive I would be lying if I said I don't occasionally experience fear or worry about life's "unknowns".  

Sometimes I am afraid:

• Of my kids getting older (how many times has someone said to me "Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems!") 
• I haven't done enough meaningful work in my life.
• Of taking big risks.  
• The lines on my face are only going to multiply. 
• I've lost my creativity.
• I'm not able to be for someone else (friend, partner, family member) everything they are to me.

Yet as these less-than-ideal February events revealed themselves I started to notice so much light shining through the cracks in each experience.  One friend offered to teach me to knit (and drink wine) while I am on the sofa nursing my ACL post-surgery, while another dropped off an all-natural anti-inflammatory to help bring down the swelling in my knee.  I realized I reallllly like exercise and vowed never to take a healthy, functioning body for granted again.  Surprise bouquets appeared in my kitchen from girlfriends after my grandmother passed.  

Yet of all the unexpected surprises that came my way these past few weeks perhaps what surprised me most is how completely unafraid I am.

I made the decision to not delay my surgery.  I want to get it done as fast as possible so I can start getting stronger right away.

I remembered back to years ago when I first read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth .  

He talks about letting go of fear by separating the self from the event.  He encourages being mindful of the words we use to describe what's happening.  Rather than thinking "I can't believe this is happening to me!" instead try "this isn't happening to me, this is just what is happening".  

Removing fear from a situation is almost effortless once we start accepting and stop making it personal.

(*the bible of all spiritual self-helpie books.  Completely worth the read if you haven't already...just ask Oprah.)

I didn't plan it, but I guess you could say I kept fear at bay with what could be considered a three-pronged approach:  

1)  Find the light in the dark (focus on the positive outcomes).  
2)  Do something. Get moving on the solution.
3)  Don't let it become personal. 

I also realized these tricky little life patches have actually become my favorite times.  I love it when circumstances force me to the table a little more than usual.  When leaving my comfort zone becomes almost mandatory.  When I'm forced to dig deep, learn more and grow...these are the places where all the best stuff happens.

Spring is alllllmost here kids.  Soon the grass will be green, the bulbs will be in bloom and the windows will be open.

...and I will be on crutches for about three weeks.  But you know what?  I'm not afraid.