anger management

I hesitate to even admit this, but if the last two weeks of my life had to be described in a single word I am pretty sure that word would have to be anger.  I feel lucky to say that in general, my life is pretty anger free, so this sudden swing in the whole vibe of my existence has been noticeable - which is a good thing I guess.  What kind of anger you might ask?  Well, it's been a potpourri of anger, coming at me from all sides, all angles and in all forms.  I think the anger-fueled array of experiences I have had in the last two weeks can best be expressed in list form (plus I'm just always looking for an exuse to make a list) - so here goes:

1. My nanny got angry with me. So she quit.
2. My husband left me on Mother's Day morning to get on an airplane.  To go to a conference.  In Virginia Beach.  I was little angry.
3. My boss got angry with me for not responding to one of his requests as promptly and with as much detail as he expected.
4. My son got a bad haircut he didn't want in the first place.  This made him surprisingly angry.
5. My husband "broke" the front end of his new/old BMW trying to put the license plate on right after the body work got finished.  He was quite angry.
6. He later called me "childish" and "annoying" all in the same night/same conversation leaving me feeling angry.
7. I got angry right back and wrote a scathing email to him the next day.
8. We had to give the loaner hampster back to my sons Kindergarten class.  My daughter was angry.  I promptly went to the pet store and bought her a replacement.
　

Sensing a theme?  None of this stuff is exactly earth-shattering and I realize that on the spectrum of actual problems these all fall on the low and relatively unimportant end - but it added up.

Instead of trying to pretend that everything was all hippies and dolphins I figured it best to recognize and acknowledge all this bad energy and face it - learn from it even.  As civilized people sometimes it feels like we're expected to have evolved into a Buddhist monk-esque state of bliss where traffic jams, snarky comments and emotional bruises can't affect us.  We expect that somehow we should have moved beyond the place where we allow ourselves to feel anything short of happiness, grace, forgiveness and positivity.  I mean have all the inspirational quotes and posts we read on facebook, twitter and Pinterest taught us nothing?  Have I not been reading my own blog?

I give you Exhibit A - a sign I recently contemplated purchasing for my home but then decided not to:

I mean seriously, how could anyone who lived in a house where this hung on the wall ever get angry about anything?  Actually, I'm a little angry at myself right now for ever considering hanging this thing in my kitchen.  What was I thinking.

To that point, I recently heard someone refer to the act of removing someone from your life as "Bless and Release".  I interpret this as a very evolved way of saying "don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of my life".  Or "it's been real".  I love it.  Bless and release.  Someone should make a sign for that on a piece of salvaged barn board and sell it on Etsy.

I got curious about anger, and whether or not in this day and age it's even an okay thing to feel.  Are we, as educated, socially responsible, spiritually evolved citizens of 2013 even allowed to feel anger anymore?  Did anger walk out when recycling and self-help books walked in?  Or is anger an emotion left only to be experienced by people who are mentally weak, self-unaware or somehow involved in politics?  Kidding of course.  Maybe.

Here is how the American Psychological Association defines anger:

Anger

is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical changes associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your physical and mental health.

Interesting right?

The first thing that jumped out for me were the words "increased blood pressure and other physical changes associated with anger" - and here's why.  A friend in the medical field once told me that when you reach the elevated state of true anger (imagine a very heated argument) there are actual physiological changes that take place in your body.  Your heart rate quickens, your body temperature elevates by a degree or two, and you literally become incapable of reasoning or making rational decisions.  "They" (whoever they are), have done studies, and it takes exactly twenty minutes for your body to recover back to a normal state where you are once again able to think/act like yourself.  So the next time you get out-of-your-mind-hand-through-a-wall-mad don't just take a deep breath and count to 10. Take a deep breath and count to 1,200.

The second thing that jumped out for me was the second sentence. "Anger can be a good thing."  I especially like the way anger can help motivate you to find solutions to problems.  My first reaction to that idea was to reject it, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it's true.  Sometimes it takes that little twinge of "I've had it" - just a little drop of pissedoffidness to light the spark that takes you to the next better thing. When you look back over the course of history there are countless examples of anger and dissatisfaction that when managed correctly, turned into positive change for people, countries, governments, etc.  On a smaller scale you might get angry that your favorite jeans don't fit anymore so you drop 5lbs and feel great.  See?  Anger can be okay.

Here's the rub - there is a difference between anger and hate.  Hate is defined as:

hate

noun

, often attributive \ˈhāt\1a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

Hate is a totally different animal, which according to Merriam Webster can be the result of uncontrolled anger.  Allowing your anger to go unrecognized, unchecked and unattended can result in feelings of hatred which (as far as I'm concerned) doesn't have an upside.  So I answered my own question (for myself anyway, I'll let you draw your own conclusions on the topic).  For me, I guess a teensy weensy bit of anger sprinkled in the cracks of a primarily happy existence is okay - healthy even.  It's the Sriracha on the fresh Vietnamese spring roll of life that makes things a little more spicy.  If you were to drink the whole bottle however, it would taste like absolute crap.

*Yum right?*

I'm going to stop feeling like a Neanderthal for feeling angry now and again.  I will continue to count my blessings, my hippies and of course my dolphins when life is going with the flow and everything is falling into place like I hoped it would.  But when the hippies and dolphins are out back taking a smoke break and all logistical hell breaks loose I will give myself a hall pass to feel a little anger.  I'll allow myself enough time to swim around in it until I figure out what to do next. 

The challenge is not letting the anger set up shop - not letting it stay so long that it establishes a permanent residence in your heart.  Let yourself feel it.  Acknowledge it and figure it out.  Then swiftly kick it to the curb and replace it with a feeling more pleasant to live with...an emotion you wouldn't mind hanging on the kitchen wall.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” - Buddha didn't say this, someone at an AA meeting did.  (Which makes it cooler.)