i'm trying. a Father's Day shout out to the fellas.

Last year I designed a custom T-shirt for my husband's birthday.  The front of the shirt reads these two simple words -  "i'm trying".  The back of the shirt shows three different images.  The first is a (presumably) man riding a mountain bike.  The second image is a person sitting at a desk in front of a computer and the third is a baby carriage.  The idea, of course, was to visually summarize the three primary aspects of my husband's life - fun, work, and family.  Check out what a creative little bugger I can be when I apply myself:

*Note:  ignore the wrinkles - my iron is dusty.*

This shirt makes me smile inside every time he wears it.  There is something very endearing about having a cup of coffee in the morning with a man who is wearing a shirt that says "i'm trying".  It's like he's talking to me without saying a word and it's also a great reminder.

Seeing as though this blog admittedly leans toward the feminine side of things (and since Father's Day is around the corner) I am hereby devoting this post to the other side of the gender coin.  This is a little shout out to all the Dads, the husbands, partners, and men in our lives - the ones we count on, yell at, laugh with, sleep and share our lives with. 

The expectations for both men and women have changed so much in the last few generations.  When you think about gender roles even one hundred years ago as compared to today the shift in expectations for both sexes is staggering.  You can't turn on the television or walk through Barnes & Noble without seeing something devoted to the topic.  Most conversations seem to focus on the new expectations and responsibilities for modern day women.  So often we overlook the dramatic change in expectations of men.  We have taken our fire building, animal hunting, house constructing, machine operating, war fighting men and turned them into modern day daddies who cook, clean, put hair in pigtails and fold laundry.  If it seems like I'm over-generalizing to make a point it's because I am.

TIME magazine (March 26, 2012) did an interesting piece on gender roles from the standpoint of average income for American men and women today.  The article was called "The Richer Sex", and the subtitle read "As female economic clout grows, it is changing how men and women work, play, shop, share court and even love each other".  The approach was based on earning potential and salary increases amongst women in the last couple of generations.  One of the big shockers for me was that today less than 1 in 5 married-couple families are supported by the husband alone.  Though it might sound like this piece was based solely on money it really wasn't.  It was more about the affect this shift is having on our families, our marriages and our society in general.  The best part for me, however, was one of the in- article takeaways that stated this:

"If people think differently about money, power and gender roles, everyone may come out ahead."

It's not just women who are changing.  We need to step outside our smart black pumps and remember that men are changing too - they're just quieter about it.  As women one of our big hot buttons tends to be "understanding".  We want to be understood, we want our feelings to be acknowledged, we want our challenges and our struggles to be recognized - and we're really good at articulating just how much we need all of that.  Men need it too, they just aren't as good at asking for it. 

Now let me be clear about one thing before I start sounding preachy - I am not great at this.  I have a lot of growing to do in this department.  It is not always easy to genuinely consider a situation or life in general from your partners' perspective.  It's often much easier (and natural) to stay comfortably in our own shoes and list the reasons why the other person could have tried harder or done something more to accommodate our needs rather than their own. 

A good partner however, will hold up the mirror.  They will gently and lovingly show you the things about yourself that could use a little attention.  They'll challenge you in a way that feels safe and supportive without knocking you down.  Patrick has done so much for me but this is the one thing I am most grateful for.  He's the only person I have ever met who really made me take a hard look at myself on the inside - I'd like to think I have done the same for him.  We're highly imperfect but we're helping each other get better every day.  We're trying...and I think that's what marriage is all about.  Just to be sure, however, check back with me in forty years and I'll tell you if I was right or not.

In the meantime I make a conscientious effort to see the story from his side, to remember that no one has it easier than the other when it comes to raising kids, and that life is happier when both people are giving as much as they can instead of taking.  I also constantly remind myself that these modern day men are trying just as hard as we women - the expectations put on them are just as high and their challenge is just as great.  I also keep in mind that if what I really want is a wife (which some days doesn't seem like a half bad idea) I'm barking up the wrong tree and maybe should have thought of that eight years ago. 

Father's Day is a good reason to do a little more than buy a card and a new hand saw at Lowe's.

It's a nice opportunity to respect and acknowledge the men in our lives and all they do to keep the family thriving, the house running and our hearts full.  It's a chance to take ourselves out of our mental comfort zones for a minute to see life from the other side of the bed. 

Because they're good guys.  Because we thought enough of them to marry and start a family with them.  And mostly...because they're trying.