good girl.

Disclaimer:  I could have titled this post "A Coat of White Primer, Part 2".  After I finished writing this I realized it is essentially a continuation of my post from last month.  

I've recently realized I may not live forever.  I'm probably over thinking this (who me?), but the more I hear about lives cut short, the more I consciously and subconsciously elect to "clean up my act" in an effort to maximize my time here.  After all, wouldn't it be foolish to ignore how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away? 

The "mommy factor" also plays a role in this effort.  I know that if I want to establish a healthy and positive groundwork for my kids I should lead by healthy and positive example.  It also goes without saying that I would like to be around as long as possible and a lifestyle composed of good choices increases our chances of stretching the clock a bit.  It can't hurt right?

The blurred line I always find myself trying to find through the haze of a hectic life is how good is good enough?  Where is that sweet spot where extending our time here and enjoying our time here intersect?  Maybe nobody else struggles with these types of issues, but I'm no saint okay?  So I do.  If you don't toggle with these dilemmas  I envy you - it's one less thing to worry about.  

Speaking of blurred lines.  She's a good gurrrrl.  Sorry, couldn't resist.

Back to how neurotic I am - here are some examples of "guidelines" that run through my mind like the Wall Street Ticker.

• Don't smoke.  It will ruin your skin, age you, and eventually kill you.  Got it.  Check.
• Move your body in some way shape or form regularly.  It will instill good exercise habits in the kids, plus you'll feel better physically and mentally.  Check.
• Set an example for hard work and continuous learning.  Work, work, work.  Read, read, read.  On it...check.
• Keep alcohol consumption moderate.  Booze kills brain cells, ruins your liver and (I just learned) causes cancer.  Plus nobody wants to be a lushed out parent.  Sigh...check.
• Use money wisely to encourage responsible spending.  Check.
• Eat clean.  This basically means eating only fish, (grass fed) meat, nuts, fruits and vegetables.  Nothing agriculture based, nothing artificial, and nothing that comes from a factory.  Wheat is the devil, heart disease is on the rise and obesity is an epidemic in this country.  Okay, okay, I get it.  Check. 

And these are just the behavior-based guidelines.  I'm not even talking about the emotional and psychological guidelines that are incorporated into my day-to-day.  This doesn't include the important stuff like instilling tolerance, kindness, honor, or a sense of social responsibility in my kids.  It also doesn't include the countless little reminders like watching my language so my toddler doesn't go to preschool and say "goddamn it" when she can't find her second mitten.  Or limiting the kids exposure to TV by constantly "enriching" them with some new and exciting activity or craft.  

*Just reading the paragraph above makes me want to pour a huge glass of red, turn on an episode of The Bachelor and take a nap.*

I've never really been a rebel.  I actually like toeing the line most of the time.  It's just that toeing it constantly and in so many ways can be hard.  As kids we can't wait to become adults so we can shed all the rules and restrictions that are imposed upon us by our parents and society.  Then we become adults and start imposing an even stricter set of rules upon ourselves.  

I sometimes find myself struggling with this question:  Is it okay to even be a little naughty?  Do all women have this Mary Poppins syndrome of feeling like they need to be perfectly perfect in every way and then scolding themselves when they aren't?  Am I harder on myself than I need to be?  When I ask my girlfriend (who thinks I'm ridiculous) this question she likes to remind me that I'm "not even Catholic" and hence have no business feeling so constantly guilty.

I recently discovered this fantastic article from the February, 2014 issue of TIME (I know, I reference TIME too much -  I totally acknowledge it) titled "The Superiority Complex, A new book from the "Tiger Mom" seeks to explain why some groups succeed in America and some fail."  This article is so worth the fifteen minutes it will take you to read it.  I promise.

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2163555,00.html

The writer, Suketu Mehta is an Indian born journalist and father.  In this article he questions the principles of "Tiger Mom" mentality which credits "impulse control" as one of the Top 3 characteristics that contribute to a successful life.  This Tiger Mom stuff it is a blog entry in itself, but if you're not familiar it's worth a Google.  Or just read the article above and you'll get the gist.  Mr. Mehta is a celebrated journalist and published author who graduated from NYU and was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize.  This guy is no joke.  He wrote the following:

"It's not conformity that makes this country great; it's an individual striking out against the expectations of his culture, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropping out of Harvard, Miles Davis coming out of herion addiction to produce 'Round About Midnight, the 14-year-old Billie Holiday turning the pain of her childhood into the bluest beauty, Sylvia Plath taking on death with pills and poetry, William S. Borroughs writing from the bowels of his addiction in Naked Lunch; it's Hemingway and Fitzgerald and Cheever and Carver drinking and writing, writing and drinking through their demons.  Imagine what American culture would be if American artists had kept a tight check on their impulses."

Before you get all excited, I am not suggesting that brilliance can be found at the bottom of a bottle or that addiction of any kind could ever be a positive or glamorous thing.  I'm also not putting myself in the same category as any of the people mentioned in the excerpt above.  But it did remind me that great things can come from what many would consider a less than perfect life, and that beauty can be born in even the most unsavory circumstances.  

That blurry line between following the rules and indulging our impulses can feel like tightrope walk at times.  But we, as adults, have the right to establish our own rules (and as long as we are not endangering ourselves or anyone else) we have the right to break them on occasion.  It's important to remember that if we concern ourselves with perfection in too many aspects of our life we are destined to disappoint.  


I want to believe that it's possible to be a little impulsive, a little wild, and maybe even a little naughty in the name of enjoying our time spent here.  I'd go so far as to say that straying away from our own rules now and again may be essential for those of us who have a wild side that needs to be quieted.  That way, for the other 361 days of the year, we can feel happy about just being a good girl.

a coat of white primer

There was a point in my life when I had time to watch television.  It's hard to imagine today, but I know it's true because how else could I possibly have memorized all six seasons of Sex and the City?  Back in the days of unlimited free time I was obsessed with the HBO drama Six Feet Under.  This was the pre- "On Demand"/Hulu era and so I looked forward to Sunday nights all weekend long.  It was, and still is, my favorite TV series of all time (anyone who watched the whole thing start to finish would probably agree with me...seriously, how awesome was that show?)

Anyway, the first episode of Season 5, titled "A Coat of White Primer" depicted the two ill-fated lovers, Nate and Brenda, about to be married.  While image hunting I found the shot below - like their relationship it is so hot yet so painful and tortured.  Why can't Peter Krause and Rachel Griffiths be together in real life?  I would watch a reality show that was based on these two paying bills or eating cereal - that's how much chemistry they have.

True to most HBO dramas, a number of things go south before the big day creating a messy, emotional and highly imperfect wedding day for the couple.  The show aired in 2005, and I still remember the line:  "I love how weddings erase the past, like a coat of white primer".  The visual is just so...well, visual.

You can't help but picture your life like an old plaster wall, complete with cracks and holes that have been patched, sanded, and then painted over with a giant roller...revealing a perfectly fresh and blemish-free new wall.  The end result looking as if those cracks and blemishes had never been there at all.  

In a way, the new year we just celebrated reminds me of a wedding.  A new beginning, endless possibilities, hope for the future, brighter days ahead, etc.  When we wake up on January 1 we are supposed have this clean slate, a fresh white wall with no nail holes or imperfections - but does that idea even make sense, and more importantly, is it what we really want?

My family has a bakery, which means every December 31 there is a mad rush on pastry as people "stock up" prior to starting their new year's diets.  Subsequently, the first two to three weeks in January are pretty slow as folks take advantage of their neglected gym memberships and try to avoid extra calories.  This confuses me.  

I never understood why smoking 15 cigarettes the night before you plan to quit smoking or drinking a fifth of vodka the day before you plan to quit drinking could ever seem logical to someone.  I don't relate to the idea that breakfast one day is four jelly doughnuts and breakfast the next is a half a grapefruit just because the calendar says it's 2014.  It's one of the reasons I've never once made a new year's resolution (that and the fact that I don't like breaking promises, even those made to myself).  

To me, the shifts in behavior that resolutions often create are the coat of white primer at it's finest.  All our "sins" are wiped clean and we start the new year as pure as the January snow that is starting to pile up outside our windows.  The idea of white primer can be tempting no doubt, but if we erase the "bad" we have to erase the "good" right along with it.  The cracks and memories are there for the duration, and would we really want it any other way?  To me, resolving to be a different version of yourself is almost implying that the version you were before was somehow not good enough - and believing that is just selling yourself short.

I will admit there have been times when I too, have been tempted to reach for that mental gallon of white paint.  Times when the past, and things that happened in it, made me shake my head a little in hopes that the memory would shake out too - but they never do.  The cracks and imperfections that difficult memories create are all part of our wall.  And like the old horsehair plaster walls in my home the imperfections only make the room more beautiful.

Keep doing better every day, keep working on the pieces of yourself that you believe need the most attention - and by all means, go on a diet and hit the gym because it makes you feel good.  Just don't let the new year fool you into thinking there was anything wrong with the person you were last year or the person you are today.  Don't give the date on the calendar or the expectations you put on yourself the power to bring you down.  

The next time a difficult memory has you reaching for that roller try to resist the urge to paint over it.  Remind yourself that without that "mistake" your path would never have been the same, you would never be the person you are, and your room would never be as interesting if it wasn't for all those beautiful imperfections.

happy new year

the antidote.

The holiday edition of TLT (nothing is official until it has an acronym right?) had me stumped.  Trying to think of something entertaining/profound/funny enough to justify a Christmas post had me feeling like I should just scrap the December installment altogether.  Topics I knew I was not interested in writing about included but were not limited to:

• Creative spots to hide that goddamn Elf on a Shelf everyone seems to own but me.
• Holiday stress.
• Anything having to do with religion.
• The overblown retail/material aspects of Christmas.

After eliminating these potential topics and more from the list of things I thought might be interesting for you to read about I was feeling pretty fresh out of ideas.  Then, just when I was feeling like there was nothing I could write that was worthwhile about this time of year I read a quote that changed my mind.  I should have known that when I'm looking for inspiration, for a fresh and enlightened perspective on just about anything there is only one place I should turn.  The well of truth and inspiration that never runs dry.

Sandra Bullock.  You have your spiritual guru and I'll have mine.  Sandy is one deep lady.  

*Total side note, but WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY did Jesse James treat her so wrong?  I wonder if he wakes up every morning with a scorching hangover, looks in the mirror while he's putting Bag Balm in his hair and thinks to himself "I was married to Sandra Bullock and I friggin' blew it."  Probably not.  He's probably fine with it, but seriously, how lucky was he?*

Getting back to Sandy.  Due to her extreme awesomeness she was recently named '2013 Entertainer of the Year' by Entertainment Weekly.  She posed beautifully for the cover and gave an interview in which she was quoted as saying:

"When people are like 'Life is so good, "I go, 'No, life is a series of disastrous moments, painful moments, unexpected moments, and things that will break your heart. And in between those moments, that's when you savor, savor, savor.'"

How can you not love this woman?

Shortly after reading this little gem I was commuting and listening to NPR.  They were interviewing the editor of Garden&Gun Magazine.  Why have I never heard of this magazine until now?  I looked it up and am now an official subscriber.  Any mag that has an article devoted to "Holiday Punch For Whiskey Lovers" is okay by me.

So this editor was talking about holiday parties and whiskey punch and celebrating and somewhere in the interview she said something along the lines of this:  "A holiday party should be the antidote for the rest of the year.  It should be a time to string the garland, put some mistletoe in your hair, be festive and celebrate."  

The word "antidote" caught my attention.  What a great way to describe the indescribable.  That feeling the holidays bring that somehow seems like all the little broken pieces of the year are being super glued back together inside of us.  When you think about it, how can a season built entirely on the idea of giving and salvation not have that affect?  

One of the benefits of living in a teeny-tiny country town is that special teeny town things always happen.  Late last December, on a Sunday afternoon, a group of 40 or so carolers arrived unexpectedly at my front door.  My daughter and I were the only two people home so we opened the door and listened.  As she stood there frozen, not yet two years old but so amazed by what was happening that she didn't literally didn't move a muscle I started to cry (just a little, nothing serious).  I was so touched by the effort these folks made to be neighborly by going door to door spreading holiday cheer.  I was so grateful to be sharing that special moment with my daughter.  As Sandra said, I was "savoring".  I was soaking in that one precious pause in between the holiday craziness to just be still and grateful.  

These little pauses, these opportunities to savor are everywhere this time of year - the antidotes are all around us.  Like when you stop to put your money in the Salvation Army bell-ringers kettle as you walk into the grocery store.  When you raise a glass of whiskey punch with friends and toast to a fabulous 2014 ahead.  When your kids write their letters to Santa.  When you visit with someone you haven't seen in years, or visit someone in the hospital.  When "Silent Night" makes you cry.  When you give.

My holiday wish for all of us is just that.  I hope this season you are able to savor as much as possible.  I hope the antidote this season of celebration and giving provides is strong enough to heal whatever is broken inside of us.  I hope we are able to give enough that maybe we can heal a little bit of what is broken inside someone else.  So keep your peepers wide open for those opportunities to savor...and have a glass (or three) of whiskey punch while you're at it.  

And in the end we were all just humans

drunk on the idea

that love, only love

could heal our brokenness.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

(Thanks to Kristin Burgess for refreshing my memory on this one.)

kids these days

I have a major crush.  It's not so much a single person as it is an entire group of people.  I'm crushing hard on early 20 somethings.  Not that twenty was thaaat long ago for me or anything, about fifteen years ago to be exact...but who's counting?  (Let's be real, with 36 knocking on my door in a mere few days I'm counting, but I digress.)

The point here isn't my mid-30's angst, but rather the amount of amazing talent I am seeing from the next generation of up-and-comers that are hot on the heels of my peer group.  These "kids" that were born anywhere between 1979 and the year 2000 (some say 1980-2000) are known as Millennials, and in my opinion, they're lighting things on fire.  Here's a quick run-down on the generational break-out as defined by people who define such things:  (*Note: some material shamelessly stolen directly from an "Inspired Training Institute" speaker that came to my company to present on generational differences in the workplace.)

• Veterans (born between 1922-1943)  Think Colin Powell and your grandfather.
• Baby Boomers (born between 1943-1960)  Think Oprah Winfrey and your mom.
• Generation X (born between 1960-1979)  Think Jennifer Aniston and yourself (maybe).
• Millennials (born between 1979-2000)  Think Mark Zuckerberg and your little cousin.
• Generation Z (born between 2000-2020)  Think your kid.

I made Oprah's picture larger than the others.  Why?  Because she's effing Oprah, that's why.

We, as children of our respective generational groups are known for having certain personality traits that help define us, albeit in a very general way.  Not surprisingly, Veterans are known for their dedication and self-sacrificing tendencies.  They also value honor, duty and conformity.  Baby Boomers are known for their belief that their work defines their worth.  They are also optimistic, having been a generation of people that made much better lives for themselves than their parents before them did.  Gen X'ers are known for being self-reliant (since many of our parents were busy working), fun, and informal...a very "call it like we see it" generation of people.

The Millennials are known for many things (not all of them positive), but among the top characteristics of this fascinating generation are their street smart and techno-savvy ways.  They are also talented multi-taskers since they grew up listening to music, while watching TV, while Skyping, while doing homework all at the same time.  They have a heroic spirit in the sense that they refuse to stand by and watch others suffer if there is some way they can help.  They are naturally optimistic and believe that things can change, that they can improve.  (This is partly why the Obama "Yes We Can" campaign hit home so hard for this generation of young voters).  

*Fun little Millennial graphic (if you are reading this on your phone, good luck.)*

Millennials have a number of admirable qualities, but the one that has me crushing so hard is their desire to not just find a place in the world, but the desire to find their place in the world.  What I mean is that this generation of people won't go work at MegaCorp because they have to, if they take a job at MegaCorp it will be because they wanted to - because they believe MegaCorp is making a difference.  This is a generation that wants to figure out what color their parachute is, and do the thing that will allow them to make the greatest contribution to the world - people who want to leave their mark.

Now will some Millennials take a job at MegaCorp because the starting salary is $73K/year with full bennies?  Of course they will.  But in their off hours they will be doing improv comedy or selling their wares on Etsy in hopes of someday turning their true passion into a living.  I also admire their ability to prioritize what matters most.  This is a generation that puts family life before work, which is a unique quality generations before them didn't have.  A girlfriend of mine recommends I read Homeward Bound by Emily Matchar (thanks for the tip Rushmie).  Here is the publisher's summary of the book:

"What happens to our society as a whole when smart, high-achieving young women are honing their traditional homemaking skills? Emily Matchar offers a smart investigation into this return to domesticity.  There's no doubt about it: domesticity is enjoying a major comeback, with the explosion of stitch n' bitch knitting circles; our sudden fascination with canning, cheese-making, and grinding our own flour; and a tidal wave of memoirs in the "I quit my corporate job and found fulfillment on a Vermont goat farm" vein. Why are women embracing the labor-intense domestic tasks that our mothers and grandmothers so eagerly shrugged off? Why has the image of the blissfully domestic, vintage-clad supermom become the medias feminine ideal?"

I am ashamed to say that once again, I have not yet read the book.  Work has been busy lately okay?  I am dying to read this based on the jacket art alone.  *Note the shoulder tattoo on the highly domestic knitting hipster.  Fantastic.  Maybe I'll ask for this for my birthday (the book, not the tattoo).

I also admire the way these folks seem to have a renewed respect for all things local, domestic and hand crafted.  Our big box/big carbon footprint generation of flatscreen TV loving, Costco shopping adults are being replaced by a highly conscious group of consumers who want to know what they are buying, where it came from and who made it.  The craftsmanship and quality of the product they are buying is as important to them as the product itself.  They will go a little further and pay a little more for locally grown/raised produce and meat.  For example, my little cousin and her chef husband host an annual farm to table supper at a sustainable farm near their home.  She also wears a conflict free diamond ring.  No, I'm not crushing on my cousin (ewww), but I do love her for caring.

As for me, I shop at a "regular" grocery store where I often cheap-out and buy the scary opposite-of-organic chicken.  I have no clue where my engagement ring originated from.  I don't drive a Prius and my kids don't wear organic cotton.  I'm not saying we should all be so concerned with the decisions we make that we cripple ourselves and our ability to lead normal lives - but I do like the way Generation Next is making us stop and think.  

The bullwhip affect these "kids" are causing is contagious.  It's making us all want to know more, question more, explore our personal talents and make the greatest possible contribution.  I'm excited to see the change they will bring about for my Generation Z kids, and I'm grateful for the inspiration they're providing to those of us who came before them. 

let's get together.

My awesome ex-boss suggested I read a book called "The World Until Yesterday" by Jared Diamond.  The book discusses the evolution of modern society (which began about 11,000 years ago) and what we can learn from traditional/tribal societies that might make a positive contribution to our current/modern existence.  I could lie and say I read the book but I didn't.  I DID, however, read the Get Abstract 5-page PDF summary of the book.  Get Abstract is a little bit like Cliffs Notes, except instead of being for kids who don't feel like reading the whole book it's for grown-ups who don't feel like reading the whole book.  

I do plan to read "The World Until Yesterday", I really do - I just haven't yet.  I've been way too busy reading all the Fall editions of home decorating magazines that have been flooding my mailbox since late September and I just can't seem to get caught up.  How am I supposed to find time to study traditional tribal societies when I am busy learning how to make my own custom Halloween luminaries using brown paper grocery bags and a stencil?  There are only so many hours in the day for god's sake.

The lazy woman's summary of the book has me hooked.  I am fascinated with traditional/tribal societies and what we can learn from their family structures, parenting techniques and healing methods.  I eat this stuff up with a spoon.  One quote from the book (ahem, summary of the book) put it beautifully, it read: "traditional societies, in effect represent thousands of natural experiments in how to construct human society."  So basically, by studying tribes in Brazil and Africa that still function today as traditional societies did thousands of years ago, we can take advantage of their trial and error relative to medicine, diet, parenting and family.  Like anything else, of course, traditional societies have their pros and cons - so I put together a quick list of pluses and minuses based on (like everything else found in this blog) my opinion only:

PROS OF LIVING IN A TRADITIONAL/TRIBAL SOCIETY

• You spend every day surrounded by your extended and immediate family.
• Children breastfeed essentially non-stop for the first few years of life.
• Extended family step in without hesitation to watch children if the parents need to leave them for any reason (hunting, etc).
• Significantly reduced likelihood of stroke and heart disease.
• Young adults have excellent decision making skills as a result of being allowed to perform adult tasks from a very early age.
• Depression or poor mental health is essentially non-existent because people are never lonely. 
• No formal justice system or courts of law.  Disputes between people or tribes are settled in person.

CONS OF LIVING IN A TRADITIONAL/TRIBAL SOCIETY

• You spend every day surrounded by your extended and immediate family.  (This could potentially start to feel like a family holiday that refuses to end.)
• Children breastfeed essentially non-stop for the first few years of life.  (I don't think I need to explain to any woman why this could perhaps be a "con" as well as a "pro".)
• You might never have the chance to live since many traditional societies practice infanticide (selectively killing newborn babies for various reasons).  This is too depressing for words.
• Letting small children work with dangerous tools and fire.
• Violent and ongoing retaliation for settling disputes between tribes.

So yeah.  There are definitely some aspects of traditional societies that obviously don't fit well into our modern day ethos.  There are, however, some modern movements to get back to a more traditional approach - specifically to traditional parenting.  One current term for this is called "Attachment Parenting."  Mayim Bialik (girl who used to play "Blossom" in the early 90's sitcom) is a huge celebrity advocate of this.  TIME magazine also did a piece (May 21, 2013) on this subject that caught tons of media attention due to the controversial cover.  The image depicted a mom breast feeding her 4-year old son.  Remember this?

I will admit that when I look at this picture there is a little narrative in my head that sounds something like this:  "Don't judge.  Stop judging.  Don't judge.  Stop judging.  Don't Judge.  Stop judging."  I'm sure different people have very different reactions to this image.  So let's all agree that whether we like the idea of breastfeeding your grown kid or not, the mom in the cover image is super hot and just move on.

What really caught my eye was shockingly not the infanticide or extended breast feeding, but rather the idea that in traditional societies there is essentially no such thing as loneliness.  People were/are constantly surrounded by their loved ones.  Imagine if you spent your days with your kids by your side surrounded by your nieces, cousins, great aunts, parents, brothers and sisters?  Imagine it not in that horrifying-family-holiday-party-that-won't-end sort of way.  Imagine it in a connected, supportive, someone is always there when you need them sort of way.  Wouldn't that feel good? 

Wouldn't it be relaxing to know that if you ever needed someone to watch the kids there were countless people who would step in for you without thinking twice?  Your kids, for that matter, could essentially run around independently from the time they could walk without needing to worry about their safety?  If you needed to talk, to discuss your kids or your marital issues there was always a loving and supportive ear only a few yards away?  

A woman I work with is originally from India.  She said when she arrived to the United States in her twenties one of the things she struggled with most was the isolated way we live here.  In India doors and windows were always open, neighborhood children were often found playing in her yard uninvited, groups of friends would gather in the street to talk, etc.  While this type of open and interactive living may exist in some areas of the US, this "tribal living" is not the norm - especially in cold weather climates.  It is nonetheless true that an extended support system made up of family and friends is still a crucial part of modern day happiness.  That part hasn't changed, it just looks different now.  Why do you think we all seem to like Facebook so much?

Winter is coming.  Soon the frozen months of unintentional isolation will be here.  The days of impromptu barbecue's and family gatherings will be put to bed for another season along with the vegetable gardens and the pool toys.  I'll be the first one to admit I can get a scorching case of the seasonal blues if I'm not careful.  The best remedies I have found are fresh air and company.  It doesn't need to be face to face company either (though a glass of wine over the phone with a friend just isn't as much fun) the important thing is just to connect.  It feels good to reach out, it feels good to have things in common, and it feels good to remind yourself that you are part of something bigger.

As the nights get colder and the clothing gets heavier don't let your heart get heavy too.  Reach out to the people in your tribe who will gladly lend an ear, watch your kids or share their food.  Yes it's 2013, and yes we live in the most modern form of society this planet has ever known.  We are still just people.  We still need one another.  And we still need to get together.

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you happy?

"Happiness is not the belief that we don't need to change, it is the realization that we can." - Shawn Achor

I don't yell at my kids much, I just don't. Everyone has their own parenting style, but for me a bunch of yelling just makes the house an uneasy place where nobody wants to be...including me. I DO, however, have what I call the "wolf eyes", which is this super scary angry mommy stare that the kids seem to think can burn human flesh. When I give the wolf eyes combined with a through-gritted-teeth order suddenly teeth get brushed, clothes get put on and homework will be done. The wolf eyes are my "In Case Of Emergency Break Glass" move that I only pull out when I mean business and they know it. It works for me so I'm sticking with it.

This is why the other night when I "yelled" at my not yet three year old little girl it took both of us by surprise. I had cooked what I thought was a nice dinner on a work night that included fresh fish and all major food groups. I was proud. We all sat down to eat a proper meal at a set table which happens like never. I had my fork in my hand and was about to take my first bite.

*Queue the toddler melt down.*

She wasn't hungry, she didn't like the food, she wanted to eat in the living room...name a problem,she had it. After many failed attempts at trying to get her to sit in her seat and eat I finally picked her up, carried her into the living room and put her on the couch. I pointed my finger at her and yelled "WE EAT AS A FAMILY IN THIS HOUSE! YOU NEED TO LEARN TO SIT AT THE TABLE AND EAT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! WHEN MOMMY COOKS A NICE DINNER I EXPECT YOU TO EAT IT!"

She looked at me totally confused/scared and nodded her little head "yes". I quickly and guiltily scooped her up, hugged her and told her I loved her. I felt like a total piece of dirt.  About a half hour later I was cleaning up the dishes when she walked into the kitchen with her footie pajamas on and looked up at me. In her sweet little toddler voice she simply asked "Mommy, you happy now?"

Yes, parenting guilt is the gift that keeps on giving and I will probably always remember the day I yelled at my daughter for not sitting at the dinner table. The question she asked however, was so black and white, so clear - yet so much more relevant to me than she even knew. She simply asked if I was happy. It's such a short little question with such a big meaning behind it - and it came at a very interesting time.

Earlier that week I had attended a seminar on Female Leadership sponsored Simmons College. The keynote speaker was Vernice "FlyGirl" Armour (http://vernicearmour.com/).  She was the first African-American female combat pilot and author of the book "Zero to Breakthrough: The 7-Step Battle Tested Method for Accomplishing Goals That Matter". Her presentation focused on setting goals and accomplishing them. She talked about how to figure out what you want by first imagining there are no constraints and no obstacles - nothing stopping you from reaching your goal. Just picture yourself where you want to be first and then worry about establishing the path to get there. She had some other key points that I thought were worth sharing (since chances are you weren't there):

• Set aside time every for free thinking. Whether it be in the car with no distractions, or before you go to sleep at night save some time to NOT be tactical. Just letting ideas and new thoughts flow freely into your mind can be very relaxing - meditation is obviously great for this.
• Opportunities don't go away - someone else just takes advantage of them. Don't spend so much time making a decision that the opportunity is gone by the time you've made up your mind.
• Do the things that are important to you every day. For example, if you are interested in publishing a book, set aside time every day to write. Make your goals into a regular practice.

That same week I happened to attended a meeting for SWE (Society of Women Engineers). I'm not an engineer, but I am a woman, and apparently that's good enough for them. One of the video clips presented during the meeting was a coaching session led by Shawn Achor, author of "The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work". This guy is interesting. He is a Harvard grad who studied, then lived, then worked at Harvard for 12 years. During that time he started to notice patterns in behavior amongst students and correlations between attitude (happiness) and success in their studies.

He became very interested in the field of Positive Psychology (studying what makes people feel better instead of studying what makes them feel worse), interviewed about 1,600 Harvard students and then travelled the world studying people from various walks of life before the wrote the book. He studied commonalities in behaviors and approaches to life that all happy people share and turned them into "The Seven Principles" (which are kinda meaningless unless you read the book but just for fun), they are:

PRINCIPLE #1: THE HAPPINESS ADVANTAGE

PRINCIPLE #2: THE FULCRUM AND THE LEVER

PRINCIPLE # 3 THE TETRIS EFFECT

PRINCIPLE # 4: FALLING UP

PRINCIPLE # 5: THE ZORRO CIRCLE

PRINCIPLE # 6: THE 20-SECOND RULE

PRINCIPLE # 7: SOCIAL INVESTMENT

He takes a totally different approach to defining success. He argues that we are programmed to believe that only once we are successful can we be happy. The only problem with this thinking is that success is a moving target. Is getting into college a success or is graduating? Is getting a good job a success or is getting a promotion? When are we actually done being successful? Never. If we keep waiting until we accomplish our next goal before we can be happy the obvious answer is we never will be.

He also talks about how happiness really depends on the lens through which we look at life. You can have a Harvard student who sees their Ivy League education as torture they must endure while a student in an African schoolhouse with dirt floors and limited materials feels honored to be receiving any type of education at all. It all has to do with perspective.

I related to him much more than I had related to the Simmons College speaker earlier in the week. I really like the idea of not sitting back and saying "I just want to be happy". 'Cause guess what? So does everyone else. Happiness isn't something that comes to everyone naturally, nor is it something that every person gets to experience. That's why the United States Declaration of Independence states that "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness". We have the right to try, and that's all.  But that's enough. 

The science of Positive Psychology has come so far. We have actual resources, methods and tools supported by science that can help us create more happiness - simple practices that can actually change our lives. How lucky are we that we live in a time when studying, creating and enjoying happiness has never been easier? I would encourage anyone to seek out these resources and try to adopt just one new practice, just one small change that can have a surprising affect on the happiness you experience in your life. Exercise, keeping a journal, meditating or making random acts of kindness a practice are all proven examples. Give one new practice a shot and see if the positive ripple affect your new behavior creates is worth the time/emotional investment you've made...betcha it will be.

So in the end, I answered my daughter's simple question with the most simple answer I could give. When she asked if I was happy I simply told her "Yes honey, I am." 

 

coming clean.

Ever wonder why the fridge sorta smells? Well, I have been wondering that very thing since about the 4th of July. The slow creep of the fridge funk has been happening throughout the course of a crazy busy summer with little to no attention paid. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I emptied the entire thing, removed every last condiment, vegetable and dairy product until it was an empty box. I then gave it a relaxing hot water and mild dish soap scrub (basically the same spa-like treatment I wish someone would give me) until it was positively sparkling. I learned two things:  

1) Very few household chores give you the instant gratification and tremendous sense of accomplishment that comes from properly cleaning out the fridge.

2) When you remove all the expired/gross/moldy objects from my refrigerator I essentially have no food. (see below and note the way the one lonely piece of leftover chiken from the night before has an entire shelf all to itself.  Talk about excess real estate).

Yes, summer is busy and some things just take a backseat to other, more important things - like going to the beach and drinking. I don't think I'm alone in saying that when that first chilly night of cool "Fall-like" air hits I am secretly excited to organize the sh*t out of the house and all its contents. Spring cleaning doesn't really thrill me the way it does for some, but I sure do love a good end of summer clean sesh.

Going through closets to see which pants are now too short (for the kids, not me. I'm pretty sure I'm done growing). Making piles of donate vs. give away vs. throw away. Realizing that the closet actually has a floor, not just an abyss of pajamas, stuffed animals, costumes and toys nobody plays with anymore. Making sure all the hangers are going in the same direction and the different types of shirts are grouped appropriately (sweatshirts, button-ups, hoodies, etc) is a thrill for my OCD to be sure.

Summer is so fleeting and so carefree.  It feels good for one season to only worry about having clean beach towels and a healthy rotation of bathing suits to keep the family weekends flowing. Back to school however, is a good excuse to really dig in and get things in order before a whole new breed of busy begins. That doesn't have to mean the big pull-your-hair-out-torture-for-everyone shopping trip either. It doesn't all have to happen at once. It can be done more simply, more slowly, and in a less retail oriented way and be just as gratifying.

Giving your kid a home grown haircut instead of dealing with some Kids Cutz (I hate the substitute "z" where an "s" should be by the way, when did that become okay?) horror show is a good way to keep the mommy blood pressure down. Grabbing the list of necessary school supplies when you're solo on a Tuesday rather than dealing with the crowds at Target on a Sunday in late August when you have the kids with you, etc.  Heck, grab yourself a nice quiet lunch next door at Panera while you're there and really live it up.

Back to school organizing is also the perfect time to play Santa Claus for a girlfriend you love. A dear friend of mine who is raising up two lovely little girls recently went through their combined arsenal of shoes and generously gifted the ones they had outgrown to me.  How happy was I to receive twenty pair of gently worn little girl shoes?  I did the same this past weekend and gifted an awesome travel highchair and an overpriced toddler enriching toy to one of my fellow mommy co-workers. Yes cleaning house when done with friends in mind can be a perfect pay it forward/everyone wins kind of situation. You get a nicely organized closet filled with things that fit your child properly and someone else gets your old crap that feels like Chirstmas to them. Win win.

A new school year is as much a fresh start for us as it is for our children. New teacher. New classroom. New friends. New possibilities. While we're cleaning out our mudrooms and closets this Fall let's also toss out any residual mommmy baggage from last year we're still keeping in that Pottery Barn storage system in our brain. Forget about the classroom Mom from last year that made you a little mental. Give the smart ass third-grader who made your kid cry last year the benefit of the doubt that they did some growing up over the summer. Whatever "it" is, put it right in the Sterilite bin with the too-short pants and the holey sweatshirts. Take a big deep breath of that crisp bus stop air and enjoy the excitement of a fresh start through the eyes of your kid. Because when people talk about the magic of being a parent, I'm pretty sure that first day of school feeling is what they are referring to.  Soak it up.

Happy first day of first grade Little.  xo, mom.